March 21, 2010
It'll be ok
I want to spill my guts out but I can't. A paragraph of honesty and deliverance would save my soul right now. I have a feeling something bad happened but I can't say what. I just pray I'm wrong. I hate bad feelings. Please tell me I'm wrong. As soon as things start getting better I get an uppercut to the jaw. It is so hard to be an atheist when things go bad. I have no one to turn to. No one that would believe me. I've talked to the sky three times tonight and all it did was snow on me. I'll be OK, I think. I have to prove a couple things to a of couple people because although I may think my life is fulfilling when you weigh it on the cosmic scales I'm not so sure. I pray to God that I'm wrong and I pray to God that there is an afterlife. I want to see you again. I want to make up for the things I didn't do that I knew I should have. I love you. I love you. I love you. I wish I would have said it then. I didn't talk to you because of laziness. I didn't think I had the time for you but I did. I could have been there. I'm only there when it's too late. I have crocodile tears and regrets. My priorities are fucked. How could I care about anything but you? I get a couple ominous phone calls and all of a sudden I'm repentant. I'm a fucking pussy. Be proud of your son. He did so much for all of us. I can't think of a better person in the world besides him. Through all the bullshit we've been through he's the best role model I could ever ask for and from the bottom of my heart I thank you for that. The best gift you ever gave me was something to aspire to. I love you. I really love you. How many people can say they have a classically trained artist protecting them? And a woman? In those times? I wish I had your creative talents. I think my brother does, he sees the world in shapes and sizes too. I can't imagine what a talent like that must be like. You could actually see the world in all it's glory, the best I'll ever be able to do is describe it. You made me appreciate Picasso. You showed me Picasso, in person. You showed me so much beauty. How lucky was I to see Dali in person when I was 6? You're the reason we aren't all insurance salesman. You're the reason we can appreciate beauty. You are beauty. I love you. I love you so much and I never expressed it. I hope I'm wrong, I hope you're OK and I'm just paranoid. I love you so much. It can't be true. You're too stubborn for that. I love you. My kids will appreciate impressionism and surrealism. You'll be the reason why. I love you. I love you.