March 21, 2010

It'll be ok

I want to spill my guts out but I can't. A paragraph of honesty and deliverance would save my soul right now. I have a feeling something bad happened but I can't say what. I just pray I'm wrong. I hate bad feelings. Please tell me I'm wrong. As soon as things start getting better I get an uppercut to the jaw. It is so hard to be an atheist when things go bad. I have no one to turn to. No one that would believe me. I've talked to the sky three times tonight and all it did was snow on me. I'll be OK, I think. I have to prove a couple things to a of couple people because although I may think my life is fulfilling when you weigh it on the cosmic scales I'm not so sure. I pray to God that I'm wrong and I pray to God that there is an afterlife. I want to see you again. I want to make up for the things I didn't do that I knew I should have. I love you. I love you. I love you. I wish I would have said it then. I didn't talk to you because of laziness. I didn't think I had the time for you but I did. I could have been there. I'm only there when it's too late. I have crocodile tears and regrets. My priorities are fucked. How could I care about anything but you? I get a couple ominous phone calls and all of a sudden I'm repentant. I'm a fucking pussy. Be proud of your son. He did so much for all of us. I can't think of a better person in the world besides him. Through all the bullshit we've been through he's the best role model I could ever ask for and from the bottom of my heart I thank you for that. The best gift you ever gave me was something to aspire to. I love you. I really love you. How many people can say they have a classically trained artist protecting them? And a woman? In those times? I wish I had your creative talents. I think my brother does, he sees the world in shapes and sizes too. I can't imagine what a talent like that must be like. You could actually see the world in all it's glory, the best I'll ever be able to do is describe it. You made me appreciate Picasso. You showed me Picasso, in person. You showed me so much beauty. How lucky was I to see Dali in person when I was 6? You're the reason we aren't all insurance salesman. You're the reason we can appreciate beauty. You are beauty. I love you. I love you so much and I never expressed it. I hope I'm wrong, I hope you're OK and I'm just paranoid. I love you so much. It can't be true. You're too stubborn for that. I love you. My kids will appreciate impressionism and surrealism. You'll be the reason why. I love you. I love you.

12 comments:

  1. Wow incredible. I hate terrible feelings!!

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  2. Christopher, this is beyond profound. Is this for mom? I sometimes have those feelings... They suck... those bad feelings. But they're also a push... for us... to try and figure something out.

    Nevine

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  3. That's deep. I understand it's about your mom?

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  4. Love is an amazing thing, it's never too late to experience it, no matter what. I hope you start to feel better.

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  5. This was incredibly intense. It reminded me of a letter to a parent. Mostly, it reminds me of my father and how I have wished so many times that I could believe in something just so I would know he's there and that everything will be ok. This whole piece really stirred something inside me.

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  6. Beautiful piece of prose. I hope all is well.

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  7. Thanks everyone, everything will be fine.

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  8. OHMYGOD. Christopher! WTF?? I surmised whilst reading it that it must be your mom you're worried about.
    Maybe this is a wake-up call to tell HER that you love her. You can never say this enough...ever.

    Don't set yourself up for that kind of regret. It's unnecessary and will eat away at you.

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  9. (I hope)Everything will be ok.
    Someone once told me if you ever come upon a car accident. you are never supposed to tell the injured that they will be ok.something about them trying to sue you later if they are not'ok'
    We need creative people in this world. they pull us back into reality. And they would say "EVERYTHING WILL BE OK." because they dont follow rules like that.

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  10. This really struck a nerve, especially since I am also an athiest and not knowing where to turn sometimes when shit like this happens. This writing is something you should be proud of as well. You're not only a talented writer but you seem like such an amazing guy. If this is about your mother, I think she did a great job raising her son, and you're lucky to have each other.

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  11. Just so everyone knows it wasn't about my mom. Everything is OK, I was just worried, it was about someone else. Thanks everyone.

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