April 2, 2010

How To Lie To People That Care or April Fools

So yesterdays blog was an April Fool's blog. Most of you caught me and some of you were incredibly nice and encouraging and it almost made me feel a little bad for it. I even lost a follower because of it! That makes me sad. Anyhow, for future reference I've got pretty thick skin and it'd take more than a few creepy emails and sexy pictures (Tiffany you fox!) to get me to stop interacting with all of you beautiful people. I figure we might as well make this a learning experience so I'll explain exactly what goes through my mind when I'm constructing a lie.
So I haven't really been into the whole blogging thing lately. For a while there inspiration just came everyday and I could crank out something worth reading (in my opinion) regularly. I don't know if it's that it's now springtime in Chicago and women are walking around in skirts again which makes me not really give two-shits about a computer screen but I think I'll probably shut this thing down.
Rule number one when it comes to lying is always start it off with some honest to goodness truth. I haven't been blogging as regularly as I usually do. It is f'n beautiful here in Chicago and to be honest blogging is the last thing on my mind when so many beautiful women are walking around.
It was fun while it lasted but sometimes hobbies just get shoved under the bed with the stamp collection. I've found some really cool, really interesting people here and I'll definitely miss you. I might even stop by every once in a while and leave stalkerish anonymous comments. 
When you're lying to someone make sure they don't think it's their fault. It's not you, it's me, really. If you lie to someone and try to make it their fault they start getting defensive and they're a lot more likely to spot your bullshit if they feel they're being attacked.
It sucks that a few bad eggs ruined my omelet bar but that's life. I've gotten some pretty creepy emails lately that just, yea. Turning me off nearly completely to this whole thing. 
Always make the bad guy someone without a face. Blame someone that doesn't exist. They can't track down someone that actually exists so they won't push for answers. Just tell your bookie you can't pay him because your c*** of an ex-wife just took everything. Doesn't matter if you were ever married or not. He might still break a leg but he won't fuck up your face that bad.
"Hey Christopher! I love your blog I read it everyday. You're so funny and talented, you really should try to get published! You have to give me a signed copy of your book though made out to your #1 fan!" Just emails like that, creeps me the fuck out. At first I didn't think anything of it, thought it was sweet. Then they start attaching pictures that, odds are, aren't of them. 
Take something that really isn't that bad and make it sound bad. Honestly, I'd love to get emails like that everyday even if the pictures aren't of them. But, I say it creeps me out and people start thinking stalker and suddenly my lie is nearly justified.
Then my dumb ass just has to go opening them after I've been drinking, real smart. Next thing you know I'm sending out pictures of my cock to complete strangers. God, I thought drunk texting was bad. Drunk blogger is just pure evil. Now there's some guy named Lisa out there doing God knows what to print-outs of my cock. I'm so glad TMZ doesn't give a shit about bloggers. 
Never make yourself innocent in your lie. Think of it as a murder case when you know you're guilty and they have decent evidence. You don't lie to get the charges drop you just try to plea it down to manslaughter.  Also doesn't hurt to throw in a little humor because when a man is dealing with something painful chances are he's coping with it by making a few jokes.
 Anyhow, I'm gonna leave it up for a week or so in case I change my mind, but I really doubt it at this point. 
Last, but not least, leave yourself a little wiggle room. If you're going to lie chances are you're going to need to lie yourself out of your lie at some point down the line. Don't lock yourself into absolutes, stick to the gray. It might not sound as convincing in the present but long-term you'll save yourself a lot of headaches.

So there you have it some tips on lying to people you love. Oh, and if any of you were looking I don't remember sending out any pictures of my member. At least not over the internet.

10 comments:

  1. Tisk Tisk Chrissy

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  2. You are a very, very bad man. I'm going to tell on you....

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  3. You almost had me fooled too! LOL

    I knew it!

    ;p

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  4. I posted on my Facebook how bummed I was Dexter was being canceled. Only two people thought I was serious. It was worth it.

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  5. Oh you sly fox you! You had me going! I was seriously so bummed out, but now that I know it's a lie I'm way happier!

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  6. :) Good one. The blogging world wouldn't be the same without you.

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  7. Humph ... maybe this is a double bluff ... Have you ever heard of the children's fable 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf'?

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  8. Sometimes I come by here just to click "8 comments" and laugh at the people who eat your shit up.

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  9. Ha ha ha, I actually thought to myself, "He didn't send me one?" Ha ha ha.

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  10. I so enjoy that you just deconstructed your own post in great detail. Quite an effective strategy too.

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