July 21, 2010

The L Word(s)

I've been thinking a lot about lust, leverage, longing and love lately. Also, I've been thinking about how cool the letter "L" is - brought to you by the good people at Sesame Street. You know how you become involved with someone and want to completely possess them? You want every breath they take to somehow mix with the wind and leave a soft, subtle "Christopher" floating in the air (or whatever your name may be).

You grasp at her, you grab her, you take her. Soon after, you want to own her. You want to be in charge, you want things to be your way, on your terms. Through manipulation and dirty tricks you get what you want. You're in control, she belongs to you. You'll never have to worry again because she can't live without you. You made sure she can't live without you. It's all part of the plan.

Then you fuck-up. It can be a small fuck-up like forgetting to text her about something important. It can be a massive fuck-up like telling her you got her friend pregnant and you need to borrow money for the abortion. Hell, there are even medium fuck-ups like telling her she's got a fat ass but you don't care because you like having something to grab. It doesn't really matter what you do. You're going to do something stupid at some point. You can't maintain that level of control you told yourself you could. Then she starts crying. Maybe, she keys your car. Perhaps, a SWAT team has to go find your severed penis in a field. She is lost to you now. You realize your mistakes, you tell her you'll be a better man. You know exactly why you fucked up and you know you'll change it. Too little, too late, she's gone. She won't come back. All you can do is wish she was in your life. Tell yourself about the things you should have done differently and why she should still be with you. It's amazing how quickly a woman can go from wanting to suck on your earlobe to turning completely deaf.

You're left with a lost love. You're left saying goodbye to the only girl you ever thought was perfect for you. You paid lifelong happiness it's last respects. You're too cynical, too defensive, too guarded and too worldly to let it happen to you again. You give up...

Or, you call her. You risk the restraining order and try again with the hope that she's a better person than you. That you are actually worth loving, that you are actually worthy of love. You wanted everything on your terms, you wanted everything your way. You wanted to be the man and instead are left dangling helplessly from the monkey bars victimized by your own tightie whities and wondering what happened when in reality you jumped off the edge without pulling your pants up.

6 comments:

  1. i "L"ike this a lot. :) your prose is very poetic--i need to read more!

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  2. 'You wanted everything on your terms' marks the spot. Reminds me of my exhusband's showing up at my front door, drunk and crying. I told him when I left what I needed from a partner and he did everything but listen. Sobbing, screaming, stalking, yet never actually making the attempt to grow the fuck up. Some people feed so much on drama and selfishness rather than get off on reality and generosity. It's a shame. But that's why we try to get closer each day to what is best for each of us, eh...

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  3. This post reminds me of how much I've missed your words. Love is like this, and I love how you throw it out there like that. I think we've all been broken by someone.

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  4. Loss begins with 'L' and that is a giant chasm to cross, no matter which side you are on.
    I've been the victim and unfortunately the perpetrator....
    Hey good to see you back again my man

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  5. Everytime ... EVERYTIME ... even when you are being serious you make me laugh.

    The timing of this post for me is just perfect ... explains alot about the male psyche. :)

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  6. catherine: Thanks a lot.

    Eco: Yea, have to try and learn from these things I guess, get better at it next time.

    Eva: I've missed yours too!

    Dan: Yea, after reading your comment loss is definitely one I should have thrown in there. Thanks and glad to be back.

    Sharon: Well I'm glad some good came of all this Sharon. I don't mind a little enlightenment at my expense. I can never be completely serious, you know that.

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