November 25, 2010

I'm Thankful for Sarcasm

You know how some families go around the table during thanksgiving dinner and talk about what they're thankful for? Yea, my family doesn't do any of that lovey-dovey crap. The only thing getting passed around our dinner table is butter, insults and wine bottles. Does that make us ungrateful jackals? Probably, but it's really entertaining and deep down we're all very thankful for the laughs.

Since I've missed out on that ritual my entire life (and no, that time I was at a girlfriend's and her father said he was thankful for a strong leader like George W. Bush doesn't count) I decided I'd give this classic American ritual a try.
  1. I am thankful we had two vegetarians at our dinner today because it meant more turkey a la suffering and steroids and for me.
  2. I am thankful for the Detroit Lions because as long as they exist the Chicago Bears will never be in last place.
  3. I am thankful for my wonderful aunts because I would never even consider settling down with a nice girl if it wasn't for their constant nagging.
  4. I am thankful for all the children at our family gathering who understand that climbing all over me and laughing hysterically in my ear is the best way to cure my hangover.
  5. I am thankful for those that condemn this holiday because it was founded with the blood of Native Americans. Every holiday's foundation should be built with irony. The 4th of July celebrates America's independence by blowing up small parts of America and Christmas celebrates Jesus' birth by making him a corporate shill. In the end what's so bad about a little thankstaking?
  6. I am thankful for because I just finished half of my Christmas shopping in an hour. No sarcasm there. Amazon is amazing. 
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  1. I'm thankful we don't celebrate thanksgiving over here, sitting around a table with my extended family once a year at Christmas is quite enough thanks.

  2. ha - I condemned Thanksgiving in my blog because it was founded with the blood of Native Americans; unoriginal, huh?

  3. I love sarcasm, sometimes I forget that there really is anything else in this world.

    My family does not do any of that either. In fact my father spent half the meal giving everyone at the table Native American names, mine was Bear with no Claw.... Anywho...

    I think we should rename this holiday KTNAOTLD- Kicked the Native Americans off their land Day... just saying.

    Amazon, is a genius !!

  4. I love your list! I'm glad we don't have turkey day here, it means I don't have to pretend to enjoy pumpkin pie. Seriously, I've tried it and loathed it. How can you guys eat that stuff?!? Not your best invention, America :p

    Lol, busted. (Or Butt-sted?) Those are my old P.E shorts. The only school uniforms designed to be flattering are drawn onto chicks in Anime or good old tentacle porn ^.^

    That was the 'Two feet on the ground' event in the Juggling Olympics. You basically had to see how many people you could pile onto a 'Base' in some travesty of Acrobalance. Those guys won, they ended up with 5 people piling on the poor guy! Don't ever try that with a hangover, ok?

    They stole our idea of starting with the 3-person dragon and adding people onto it. I'm thankful (LOL!) the baby wasn't smooshed when the pile collapsed.

  5. I am greatful for your blog because it reminds me of my sarcastic, political, documentary loving side that I so rarely portray any more. :)

  6. We don't celebrate thanksgiving here in Australia either .... If I was to I think your family gatherings would suit me just fine, we are a very sarcastic lot us Australians !!!

  7. i love sarcasm. its become a reflex.

  8. You broke up with that girlfriend, right?

  9. I was glad my family didn't go around the table listing things we're thankful for this year. we've done it in the past. it's so awkward. Your list makes me happy tho!

  10. Good work my man, you are speaking to the converted, the unreconstructed sarcastic snark. If someone says 'Oh that's the best thing since sliced bread' I think 'What was the best thing before sliced bread???' Keep 'em coming squire, your writing is a breathe of fresh air.

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