Since I've missed out on that ritual my entire life (and no, that time I was at a girlfriend's and her father said he was thankful for a strong leader like George W. Bush doesn't count) I decided I'd give this classic American ritual a try.
- I am thankful we had two vegetarians at our dinner today because it meant more turkey a la suffering and steroids and for me.
- I am thankful for the Detroit Lions because as long as they exist the Chicago Bears will never be in last place.
- I am thankful for my wonderful aunts because I would never even consider settling down with a nice girl if it wasn't for their constant nagging.
- I am thankful for all the children at our family gathering who understand that climbing all over me and laughing hysterically in my ear is the best way to cure my hangover.
- I am thankful for those that condemn this holiday because it was founded with the blood of Native Americans. Every holiday's foundation should be built with irony. The 4th of July celebrates America's independence by blowing up small parts of America and Christmas celebrates Jesus' birth by making him a corporate shill. In the end what's so bad about a little thankstaking?
- I am thankful for Amazon.com because I just finished half of my Christmas shopping in an hour. No sarcasm there. Amazon is amazing.