November 30, 2010

A Novel Deconstruction: Character Psychology

If you're here for the Make Chris Cry Giveaway! Go to the post below and sign up. You get free stuff.

I've been hesitant to ever post anything about the craft of writing for a few reasons. There are a ton of really good writing blogs out there written by people that put a lot more thought into writing than I do. I've never been published or even submitted anything aside from a few short stories at random websites. I am by no means an expert or even a self-educated amateur. In short, if you take my advice and your editor or agent comes to you and says "you idiot, what the hell have you done to your book!?", don't say I didn't warn you. Of course, I then realized that for the most part what I do on this blog is rant and rave about stuff I only have a rudimentary knowledge of anyway so why should writing be any exception? Now that I'm protected from a legal perspective we can get down to business.

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is creating psychologically complex characters that will keep a story intriguing over the course of a novel. The characters I love the most are living, breathing people that feel like someone I could have met in real life but instead see them placed in extraordinary circumstances. Everyone wants to create compelling characters but how the hell do you do it? I've been experimenting with creating psychological profiles of potential characters lately to keep me focused on why my characters do what they do. Our actions are all guided by our own aspirations, fears, habits and idiosyncrasies so our characters should be too. 

For the sake of experimentation let's create a completely random character. We'll call him C. Now C is the protagonist of our fictional novel and leads a bit of a charmed life. He's intelligent, good-looking, ambitious, a ladies man, an academic, sensitive, a good kisser, writes in his spare time and blogs about the importance of character psychology. Basically, our protagonist is James Franco but more modest and with a bigger penis.

So what makes him the way he is? Maybe his parents put too much pressure on him as a kid. Perhaps he has some weird pillow fetish and overcompensates by putting on a facade of perfection. He might just be addicted to Adderall. The details aren't important for the sake of this exercise. What is important is that you now know how and why he will react when it's time for your character to make tough decisions.

I thought I was really onto something once I had this profile thing going and then I wrote out a character and it just didn't work at all like it was supposed to. I had him doing interesting stuff and it was sort of working from a plot perspective but it just wasn't compelling. There was no mystery to the character because I'd explained absolutely everything about him already. Here I am with this great, well-defined character and he just isn't interesting anymore.

Recently I came to the realization that people don't explain everything about themselves, even to themselves. We act in ways that are a mystery to ourselves at times and need to account for that. Maybe C was dropped on his head as a baby a few too many times. He doesn't remember it but it gave him a bit of a twitch and the character has no idea why.  I have this thing where I think I'm the cleverest person in the world so if I come up with something cool like a psychological profile I have to put all of it in there to show everyone just how clever I am. I need to remember that when a psychologist psychoanalyzes someone they don't show their patient the notes - I shouldn't show my characters their profile either. I'm going to start leaving a little mystery.

November 29, 2010

Make Chris Cry Giveaway!

Last week I received the books I'd won in Elle's giveaway. Once I had them in my hand I realized that these blog contest things were real and people besides Carol actually won them. As I gripped those oh so pretty books a warm feeling overcame me and for the first time in my life I wanted to do something completely against my nature - give something back. Naturally, I consulted my physician immediately and made an appointment for this morning to see what the heck was wrong with me. He told me I had come down with something called "emotion". I don't understand it either, some kind of medical term I guess. He reassured me that it was perfectly normal for a man to experience it from time to time and that I should even start having new experiences that induce emotions. I'm not a doctor but I'm guessing it's so I'll build up an immunity to these "emotions". After doing some research online I came across this "emotion" called sadness. Sadness is apparently a painful "emotion" often caused by loss and is sometimes accompanied by a salty discharge from the eyes called "crying". I'm the kind of guy that likes to take care of unpleasant things quickly so I decided that I will tackle this so called sadness head on. But how? What could I lose that would actually bring me to the point of tears? Watch the trailer below to see what I'm going to give up so that I might experience this "crying".


Yes, in order to experience sadness I have to give up four books that are near and dear to my heart. It is the only way I can think of to make myself "cry" and build up my immunity to the plague that is "emotion". These aren't new and pretty books. These books have been lived in. I've lived in them in my imagination and their ideas have lived in and inspired my mind. Some of the pages are torn, some of the pages are yellowing, there may be writing in the margins or highlights on loved phrases. These books are like a part of my family and I hope one of you gives them a good home and enjoys them as much as I did.

The Prizes:

Hell's Angels by Hunter S. Thompson - It's Hunter S. Thompson do I really need to tell you why I love it?

In Cold Blood by Truman Capote - This is the chilling real life look at real murderers in one of the most interesting books from a psychological perspective I've ever met.

Boss by Mike Royko - To me this stands with All The President's Men as one of the greatest books ever written about politics. It is a fascinating look at one of the most powerful American politicians in the 20th century.

Notes From Underground by Fyodor Doestoevsky - It must have really meant something to me if I named my blog after it. It is a brilliant character study.

The Rules:

All you have to do to enter is look below at how to qualify for entries, add up your total and leave that number in the comment section. This giveaway will end Monday, December 6th at 6:00 PM CST. The winner will be chosen using a random number generator and announced on Tuesday December 7th.

Unfortunately because that suitcase of cash was empty and shipping is expensive you will have to live in either the United States or Canada to win this contest. Apologies to my international followers! Economics force me to be xenophobic at this time.

How to qualify for entries:

If you're already a follower you get +2 entries
If you're new here and follow me you get +1 entry
If you follow me (or already have been) on twitter @ntsfrmundergrnd you get +2 entries
If you go to my facebook page and like me (or already have) you get +2 entries
If you tweet or like this contest with those little buttons below you get +1 entry each
If you post this contest anywhere on your blog you get +5 entries
If you tell me your favorite emotion to write or photograph and why you get +1 entry
(I realize now that this last one here makes little sense. It made sense when I wrote it but I think from now on we'll just call this extra credit and everyone gets that plus 1)

Good luck, you sadistic monsters.

November 28, 2010

ChrisNotes for Week of 11/27

I love newspapers. I love the ink that rubs off on your fingers. I love digging for the sports page first, devouring the latest news about the Chicago sports teams before settling down to go through the front page and other sections that catch my eye. The Sunday paper is always my favorite. I can spend half the day going through the Sunday paper. Sadly, we all know that newspapers are dying and the internet is killing them. That provides a lot of opportunity for us in the online sphere. I figure if I start now I'll be in the perfect position to replace the New York Times' Week in Review when it finally goes belly up. OK, maybe that's aiming a little high but I can at least give an update on whats been happening here at Notes From Underground. 

Monday: Driving Dislike

In this post I mostly complained about how much of a pain in the ass cars are and why I prefer public transportation. Mostly everyone disagreed with me. You jerks.
Tuesday: What WW-III Might Look Like

Shocked by the Koreas bombing each other my mind got to racing about what might come next and (SPOILER ALERT) it was very pessimistic. Also took a potshot at the media coverage of the incident.

Wednesday: Party Time

Here I try to encourage everyone to drink way too much the night before thanksgiving and then go see family hungover. I cover up the irresponsibility by saying that everyone should be responsible and call a cab to get home.

Thursday: I'm Thankful for Sarcasm

Unwilling to write a thoughtful, inspirational and touching post on the many things I should be thankful for in life. I instead make a list about random things that popped into my head about the holiday, being an ungrateful smart-ass along the way.

Friday: I Won!

I brag about all the cool stuff I won in Elle Strauss' blog giveaway.



Comment of the Week:
From helen at and with glitter burning, she wished upon a star on I'm Thankful for Sarcasm.

i love sarcasm. its become a reflex. 

Netflix Stream Movie of the Week:

Severance (2006)
With a mix of dark humor, likable characters, and good pacing this is one of the best horror movies I've seen in quite a while. Click the title to read my review.

Coming Next Week at Notes From Underground (probably):
  • A story about something sexy from Chicago's history.
  • My thoughts on writing and character psychology.
  • A review of The Scarlett Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne.
  • A big surprise!
I hope you enjoyed this first edition of ChrisNotes. I'm not sure if you'll ever see it again because I'm not really sure if it's useful or just a shameless promotion of what I wrote over the course of the week. Any thoughts, feedback or ideas for new sections you'd like to see would be greatly appreciated!

November 26, 2010

I Won!

I recieved this mysterious package in the mail today:


My first reaction was to put my ear close to it to listen for a ticking sound. Satisfied that it wasn't a bomb sent by one of my many enemies I decided it was safe to open. Look what was inside:


Books! Awesome writing books! But... why?

Because I won a contest held by the lovely, talented and inspirational Elle Strauss. I'm currently making an effort to take my writing a little more seriously lately so I couldn't have won these at a better time. I know they'll be good because Elle has one of the best blogs about the art and craft of writing that I've come across. I'm not just saying that because she gave me free stuff either, I can't be bought that easily (without alcohol). Seriously go give her blog a look if you're interested in writing at all (click here for Elle's blog).

November 25, 2010

I'm Thankful for Sarcasm

You know how some families go around the table during thanksgiving dinner and talk about what they're thankful for? Yea, my family doesn't do any of that lovey-dovey crap. The only thing getting passed around our dinner table is butter, insults and wine bottles. Does that make us ungrateful jackals? Probably, but it's really entertaining and deep down we're all very thankful for the laughs.

Since I've missed out on that ritual my entire life (and no, that time I was at a girlfriend's and her father said he was thankful for a strong leader like George W. Bush doesn't count) I decided I'd give this classic American ritual a try.
  1. I am thankful we had two vegetarians at our dinner today because it meant more turkey a la suffering and steroids and for me.
  2. I am thankful for the Detroit Lions because as long as they exist the Chicago Bears will never be in last place.
  3. I am thankful for my wonderful aunts because I would never even consider settling down with a nice girl if it wasn't for their constant nagging.
  4. I am thankful for all the children at our family gathering who understand that climbing all over me and laughing hysterically in my ear is the best way to cure my hangover.
  5. I am thankful for those that condemn this holiday because it was founded with the blood of Native Americans. Every holiday's foundation should be built with irony. The 4th of July celebrates America's independence by blowing up small parts of America and Christmas celebrates Jesus' birth by making him a corporate shill. In the end what's so bad about a little thankstaking?
  6. I am thankful for Amazon.com because I just finished half of my Christmas shopping in an hour. No sarcasm there. Amazon is amazing. 
Image taken from: http://kbtoyswith.wordpress.com/

November 24, 2010

Party Time

The day before Thanksgiving has to be the best party night outside of New Years Eve. You're almost guaranteed the next day off so everyone's looking to cut loose. Wednesday is still technically ladies night in some places (I might not personally get in for free but the scenery is guaranteed to be better). The thing that really separates this night from any other is that it's acceptable, nay, encouraged to gorge yourself on comfort food and fall asleep watching football the next day. There is no better day to be hungover...

Go have fun everyone and remember to call a cab!

Oh, and any of my ex's reading this blog expect a text around 4 AM.

Image taken from: http://www.the-management.co.uk/management%20images/Jalbum%20output/slides/14%20its-party-time.html

November 23, 2010

What WW-III Might Look Like

Photograph of South Korea being bombed this morning (image taken from NPR website).
 North Korea's psychopathic leader, in a desperate attempt to distract his people from the mass starvation they are experiencing, decides that the only way to strengthen his position within the country is to bomb South Korea and hope they won't call his bluff. After turning the other cheek earlier in the year South Korea's leadership responds immediately with return fire. The United States stands by it's over fifty year old pledge to stand by South Korea should war reemerge on the Korean peninsula. North Korea's closest ally, China, publicly is non-committal about it's relationship with North Korea and furiously negotiates behind the scenes with the North in a desperate attempt to get their crazed leader to back-off before things escalate which would be bad for business.

North Korea's aging and ailing leader decides that his son is too weak to take over the country when he dies. With probably only a few years of life left the North's leader snaps and decides his legacy will be the reunification of Korea. Armed with chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons, the most fortified border in the world and a million troops willing to give their lives North Korea declares war on South Korea. The most conservative estimates tell us that at least 100,000 people would die in the first few days. The United States declares war on North Korea. Iraq and Afghanistan are mostly abandoned as a quarter million or more U.S. troops are redeployed to Korea to join the 28,000 already in the trenches. Iraq and Afghanistan fall into chaos. Iran, looking to take advantage of the destabilization of Iraq, invades Iraq. Israel destroys Iran from the air. Iran gives what nuclear material it has to terrorists with the mission of destroying Israel. Meanwhile, chaos continues in Asia as China supplies the North Korean army because it fears a greater U.S. presence in Asia. The United States finds evidence of Chinese troops and weapons in Korea. Tempers flare between the world's only two super-powers. A greater war seems imminent...

The first paragraph happened this morning. I can't tell if the second paragraph is happening now...

Because CNN won't stop talking about the fucking royal wedding.

November 22, 2010

Driving Dislike

I'm really not a fan of driving at all. Working your way through traffic is it's own special kind of hell and so very pointless if you live anywhere with decent public transit. It's not because I'm a bleeding-heart liberal (which I am) because I do own a car. A 1997 Lincoln Town Car that gets a not exactly fuel efficient 11 miles to the gallon. It of course has all the bells and whistles because I refuse to accept any less. There are buttons for everything from heated seats to a moon roof. However, with being poor and all, I've never actually had enough money to buy a car that was newer than ten years old so I've never actually gotten to play with any of the buttons because they don't work. I only really use it for grocery shopping because grocery shopping without a car is a pain in the ass. The rest of the week it just sits in the garage collecting dust.

Until today...

My sister called me around three today which I was pretty happy about because I was sitting at work dying of boredom at the time. Unfortunately, little sisters rarely call their older brothers unless they're in trouble. Today was no exception. My sister's car overheated way up on Devon Ave., apparently she had a craving for Indian food she just couldn't resist. So I thought for a minute and weighed my options. I could have my little sister:

A) Go knock at some random persons door and ask them for a milk jug full of water and hope she could figure out how to open the radiator cap without burning her hand off.

B) Call Dad.

C) Lug some jugs of water and a roll of duct tape up there myself and hope for the best.

Since I'm the protective older brother type and my Dad is in purgatory (the suburbs)  I decided I better go myself. I headed home from work and went to go get my car because lugging 3 gallons of water to the far north side on the red line didn't really appeal to me. I finally made it up there, got her car going again and followed her home. Having a car made this ordeal so much easier.

Until I got a flat tire on the way home.

In the rain.

That's why I support and use public transportation.

November 20, 2010

Holiday Time

I want to suck saliva from your mouth while we listen to Billie Holiday records. I want to roll around all night long laughing, smiling, and spilling champagne. I want to watch you walk towards me slowly with an evil grin on your face from ear to ear and chuckle because your too sweet and silly to act sexy for more than a minute. I want to thank you for being you and laugh at you for saying you're welcome. I want to spill candle wax all over the... table. I want to proceed to chip off little pieces and throw them at you. I want to have a wax fight just so we can make up. I want to want you like I've never wanted anything before. I want to need you, but still be in control of myself enough to pretend I don't.


November 18, 2010

Book of Psalms

The Bible is probably the most influential piece of literature in human history. My on-again/off-again project that has spanned two blogs and over three years is reading the bible cover to cover with an open mind and writing out my thoughts on each book. My last post was on Job way back in January so this may take my entire life to complete. Now onto Psalms...
***
The Book of Psalms honestly reads kind of like a blog. If God was an author promoting his book the Psalms would definitely be posted on his blog in an effort to drum up interest from readers. Each Psalm is about a random subject, it's very self-referential, and even though it's a book of poetry it doesn't really rhyme. That being said, like many blogs, if you cut through the filler there are some really well written phrases that stand out in a flash of brilliance. Or, at least I thought they sounded cool.

I love religious imagery and the way the bible speaks with moral authority can be a fantastic inspiration. If you want to write some good religious sounding text I would say that Psalms is the go-to book. I know I should probably come up with something to say about religion or spirituality here but most of the lessons learned in the Book of Psalms have been taught in previous books. Instead, I'll leave all you writer types with some of the verses from the book that stood out to me and leave it at that (minus the beautiful Psalm 23 which everyone probably has memorized by now).

Psalm 11, verses 7-8
You, O Lord, will protect us, you will guard us from this generation forever. On every side the wicked prowl, as vileness is exalted among humankind.

Psalm 26, verse 4
I do not sit with the worthless, nor do I consort with hypocrites.

Psalm 27, verse 2
When evildoers assail me to devour my flesh - my adversaries and foes - they shall stumble and fall.

Psalm 27, verse 12
Do not give me up to the will of my adversaries, for false witnesses have risen against me, and they are breathing out violence.

Psalm 35, verses 11-16
Malicious witnesses rise up; they ask me about things I do not know. They repay me evil for good; my soul is forlorn. But as for me, when they were sick, I wore sackcloth; I afflicted myself with fasting. I prayed with head bowed on my bosom, as though I grieved for a friend or brother; I went about as one who laments for a mother, bowed down and in mourning. But at my stumbling they gathered in glee, they gathered together against me; ruffians whom I did not know tore at me without ceasing; they impiously mocked more and more, gnashing at me with their teeth.

Psalm 53, verses 1, 5 (I'm in trouble if these are true)
Fools say in their hearts, "There is no God." They are corrupt, they commit abominable acts; there is no one who does good. ... There they shall be in great terror, in terror such as has not been. For God will scatter the bones of the ungodly.

Psalm 55, verses 4-5
My heart is in anguish within me, the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fear and trembling come upon me, and horror overwhelms me.

Psalm 73, verses 1-3
Truly God is good to the upright, to those who are pure in heart. But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled; my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant; I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

Psalm 116, verses 3-4
The snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of She'ol laid hold on me; I suffered distress and anguish. Then I called on the name of the Lord: "O Lord, I pray, save my life!"

Psalm 146, verses 3-4
Do not put your trust in princes, in mortals, in whom there is no help. When their breath departs, they return to the earth; on that very day their plans perish.

November 17, 2010

twit-book

I finally decided to bring my blog into the 21st century. Despite getting a lot of pleasure bragging about how old-school and superior I was to everyone by refusing to get in on the social networking craze I caved and admitted to myself that it's best to give it a shot in the interest of growing my blog. As you may be able to tell from the bright buttons over to the right there (which took me forever to figure out how to do) Notes From Underground now has both a facebook fan page and a twitter page.

Click here to get to my facebook fan page.

Click here to get to my twitter page @ntsfrmundergrnd .

Now please be patient because I have no idea what I'm doing on either platform but I did enjoy being a smart ass on twitter last night as it seems like a platform that's built for the sort of random comments I enjoy. I'll get back to my regularly scheduled blogging tomorrow.

November 16, 2010

Communal

Being in a huge crowd for a shared experience feels almost surreal. It gives you a tangible feeling of the importance of right now. I experienced this in downtown Chicago when Obama was elected President and to a lesser extent when I marched with WTO protesters. You look around and  just sort of feel amazed at the power and electricity of the crowd. When Obama won at most there were a quarter million people in Grant Park celebrating. During this year's annual Hajj in Mecca, Saudi Arabia they are expecting 3.4 million Muslims to come together in their pilgrimage. That's like every single person in Chicago going downtown to the rally. That is an amazing number and I can't imagine the intensity of feeling that must be taking place in those individuals as they peacefully march towards the same place for the same purpose. I'd love to experience that feeling someday but I'd feel a little disingenuous being an atheist and all, so I'll just wonder. Below are a few photos I took from here.




November 15, 2010

Bad Hearing

He told me he was the human cannibal. I thought he said cannonball. I figured we were going to have a real blast but he took me to dinner instead. It started off alright but there was a creepy vibe in the room. Luckily, I kept my head and ordered salad. It was delicious. We snacked on finger sandwiches while we waited for the main course. By the time I was asked how I wanted my steak cooked I was already full, but my host didn't mind. He just looked across the table with his knife in his hand and flashed a curious grin. I leaned back and gave my full belly a pat. "Well stick a fork in me, I'm done", I said. That's exactly what he did.

November 14, 2010

Visceral

I have a feeling that my audience isn't exactly the classic boxing demographic and I'll probably mostly get comments saying boxing is barbaric and that I should be ashamed for putting my hard-earned money down to watch such a primitive contest. I can't help it! I'd be a wonderful Roman. I deplore violence, unless it's for my entertainment.

Manny Pacquiao is one entertaining fighter. For a guy that barely speaks English he just exudes charisma. I've never seen any fighter that quick (sorry Mayweather) and that determined. The Congressman (yes, he's a congressman in the Philippines) decimated Margarito last night. He won every round even though he took a beating in a few of them himself. Margarito's face was a bloody mess by round 11 and then Manny did something that showed a lot of class. He pulled his punches for the last round so that his opponent could finish the fight (without getting murdered). Classy move from a classy guy.

Mayweather? Stop being a pussy and agree to the fight. It'll be the biggest fight since Ali and Frazier were still going at it. We, the Roman people, deserve it.

November 12, 2010

The Bogart Manifesto

When you watch a Humphrey Bogart movie you know what to expect from him. Calm, cool, collected and supremely confident that he'll solve any problems the world throws at him. He doesn't even care if he gets the girl - but he gets her anyway. He's got a certain contempt in his voice because even when he's behind it turns out the rest of the world was still catching up to him. He embodied the America of his time. Confident, brash, tough, hard-working and rude to women. He was the right star for the right era.

Nowadays we like our hero's flawed. We pick Spider-Man over Superman. People flock to the theaters to see vampires trying to overcome teen angst. Vampires used to be the bad guys. Now somehow we've morphed our former demons into sympathetic characters. The world isn't so black and white to us anymore and while that isn't a bad thing it is something that our collective psyche has yet to adjust for. America has fallen into some sort of depression - and not the economic kind. Here is a list of the signs of depression from a website at the top of Google's list:

1) you can’t sleep or you sleep too much
  • With 400 channels running 24 hours a day and the internet always on it's obvious a lot of people (myself included) aren't getting enough sleep.
 2) you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult

  • We've lost all focus and concentration. With overwhelming majorities we vote for one agenda and then two years later we vote for it to be dismantled before we've found out if it's even working.
3) you feel hopeless and helpless
  • We're broke. How can we ever pay down our mounting debts? We can't find jobs and we've got our soldiers in two countries getting killed without any end in sight.
4) you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
  • You all saw the non-stop attack ads before the election, right?
5) you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
  • Fattest country in the world.
6) you are much more irritable and short-tempered than usual
  • Have you seen how out of control and angry some of these tea-party people are? They're not the only angry ones, either.
7) you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case)
  • An ABC news poll recently said that 43% of Americans believe the fabled American Dream is dead. We really do need to seek help, don't we?
Where does that leave us? How do we dig ourselves out of this depression? Was there ever an American Dream or were the jewels just dangled in front of us by evil corporations so we'd keep working hard and not ask any questions? Will we rebel? Will we fight out of our depression and take charge again? Will we wake up one day and realize it's us against them and devour each other like wolves? Will we feel better once we get a few wins under our belt? When will that be?

When will the inner-Bogart in all of us return?

November 11, 2010

Trauma

The worst place in the world to live has to be North Korea. They are so isolated and there really isn't anyway to know what's really going on in there. In this age of connectivity they don't even know what the internet is yet. I mean, has anyone ever even met anyone from North Korea? I watched this documentary on North Korea last night and they actually were allowed into the country with cameras. Although they had handlers and weren't really allowed to see much at all, but even the best side of North Korea seemed terrifying.

They went to a privileged family's house and the look on these people's faces was unlike anything I've ever seen before when they talked about their "dear leader" Kim Jong-il. It was a mix of fear and adoration that was creepy as all get out. Have you ever met a girl with a really, really bad father complex? Multiply the look on her face times a hundred and you sort of get what is going  on with these people. I can't imagine how damaged the psyche of these people must be. I wonder if this is what Stalin's Soviet subjects looked like.

They are forced to live under a psychopath with absolute power. If you so much as complain about your lack of food rations you are sent to a concentration camp - along with the rest of your extended family. It makes me want to weep. But what can be done? Right now, we're starving them out, literally. The alternative is a potential nuclear war. There really is no answer but to pray for the death of the "dear leader" and his entire family.Even if the regime does fall, how do you treat 23 million people for post-traumatic stress syndrome?
____

Click here for my review and more information on the documentary.

November 10, 2010

Call Me Isaac

As my fingers crawl up her thighs I think to myself that she hasn't had enough. She is avoiding eye contact. She has no idea what is coming and is afraid to ask. I sort of like it. My ring and pinkie fingers slowly run over the small, slight bumps emerging from her skin while my index finger and thumb grip with desire. My lonely middle finger signals my true intention.

"I don't usually do this", she moaned.

"I know you don't", I lied.

There was a certain gravity to the situation. Her warmth pulled my hand into orbit. I always wondered what Newton meant by apple bobbing. It's all become ridiculously clear now. The world was his his own body, the apple was his forbidden fruit and the pull of the earth was his desire. I'd spank her with my 9th grade science textbook if I wasn't worried about scaring her off.

I ignored our awkward incompatibility and pushed forward with my predictable pursuit of pleasure. She may not be mine tomorrow, but tonight, I possess her. As my lips press into hers our connection becomes a caloric intake of each others scent. We meld, she becomes mine. I, hers. We are enveloped in a cloud of hazy smoke as the world melts away and our lives and legs intermingle in a delicious moment of insanity.

November 9, 2010

These Things...

...shouldn't be forced. They have to be handled very delicately. With care, without despair. Choose your words carefully before your words are used against you. Pockmarked faces will chase you down with voracious vitality if you drop your pen in their lions den. One foot after the other. Left, right, left, left, right, left. March. March with purpose. March towards your own ides but don't repeat history or you'll end up stabbed, shanked, and beaten before those you ruled before.

November 8, 2010

The Contented Atheist: On the Value of Life

As some of you may or may not know over the last few years I've taken the leap from agnostic to atheist. My wife wasn't hit by a drunk driver so I don't have any vendetta against God. I hate math so it's not because I'm all sciencey. I've always been fascinated by religion and went to Sunday School every week as a kid so it wasn't that I was never exposed to the Good Book. In all my life I've just never felt it. There are a lot of misconceptions about atheists that I've run into over the years and since not all of us are arrogant jerks who look down on people of faith *cough Bill Maher cough* I figured I'd start this blog series to open up a dialogue about religion, faith and atheism. Plus, I just really like talking and thinking about religion, I have weird hobbies. I encourage all to debate and participate, just play nice.

On the Value of Life


One misconception that I've run into a number of times is that atheists don't value life. The thinking goes that because I'm not going to heaven or hell that everything is just sort of pointless. I would argue to the contrary. I only have this life I'm living right now. I have to try and make the most of it or my life really is a waste. I don't have the luxury of an afterlife that lasts an eternity. Once I die, that's it.

It's scary to think that, it's awful to think that. In fact, the reason it took so long for me to acknowledge that yes, I am an atheist, is that fact. I only have, at the absolute most, 70 years before my consciousness is gone. I think that scary thought has a lot to do with the creation of religion, as long as we can remember we can think. Descartes was really onto something with that cogito ergo sum stuff. To suddenly stop thinking is almost unimaginable, but someday, I know it'll happen. Coming to grips with that has been one of the hardest things I've done in my life, and also one of the most rewarding.

I want to do great things. I want to leave a legacy so I do live on in someway. I try to cherish the little moments in life that give me joy and inspire me. Not because God wants me to feel them, but because I know I'll only have so many moments like that and I need to make the most of them.
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Any thoughts on the value of life from anyone out there religious or otherwise?

Also, feel free to ask any questions about my thoughts and struggles with atheism I'd be happy to answer.

November 7, 2010

(No) Kudos...

... to MSNBC for having integrity and suspending Keith Olberman for donating to three Democratic candidates for Congress. While I'm generally in favor of people supporting Democrats it's nice to see at least one news network trying to avoid conflict of interest issues unlike another network that actually has a number of potential presidential candidates on it's payroll.

UPDATE: Apparently NBC has decided that a two-show suspension was enough for Keith Olberman forcing me to take back everything I said about them involving integrity.  Seriously, I've seen NBA players get punished worse for talking bad about the referees.

November 6, 2010

My Confession

Act 1

"Where to begin…I shall begin in those years that left their calling card in the things we had, which were battered and familiar; in what we believed, which was reassuring and unchanging; and in what we said, how we felt, and how we treated one another. It was such a wonderful time Father, I was just a young boy of 12, feeling things I've never felt. The cliche of 'simpler times' fit my life perfectly up to that point."

"Would you like to make a confession?"

"Yes, Father"

The Priest makes the Sign of the Cross upon my brow. The noose of guilt that has been tight around my throat since I was a young boy now feels as if it will suffocate me. Then I begin.

"Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last confession, these are my sins."

"Father, I have been too ashamed to admit this sin even to God himself. I've held this dark secret inside me for most of my life and all of my penance up to this point has been a sham. It happened behind Morgan's Soda Fountain over on Maple Avenue. I was with my new friend Eric, he was a wonderful boy, the most beautiful I have ever seen."

A tear rolls down my cheek.

"What happened son?"

"We had just left the Soda Fountain, we were young boys filled with sugar, caffeine and glee. We ran behind the building, he tripped and almost fell over. I ran into him and held him up, our eyes locked and we kissed." Then in a stern voice I heard Father Kerry, he yelled at us and called us sinners. He told us that God was ashamed of us. He demanded that we purify our souls or we would surely be damned for God hates fags.

"I devoted the rest of my life to 'purifying my soul'. Years later, as I became a young man, I entered the priesthood to battle my own inner demons. I thought it would cure my homosexuality but it has not. I cannot change what my heart desires and I have been fighting this battle of conscience within my mind for all of these many years."

Act 2

The Priest stands before his congregation and prepares to deliver the sermon of his lifetime.

"For 40 years now I have devoted myself to the priesthood. Followers of Christ: I have been living a lie. I did not become a priest because I love God, I did not preach the Word because I wished to serve Christ. I am here before you because of my own personal shame. I have been driven my entire life by my own weakness. My life's work has been repression because I, as a young boy, was repressed. I have inflicted the misunderstandings of my generation upon yours."

"I threaten you with eternal damnation rather than embracing you as brothers and sisters in Christ. I use guilt and shame to instill obedience rather than allowing God's own words to keep you from running astray. I have upheld ancient, outdated beliefs because I am afraid to stand up for change. I have lied to you, I have lied to my friends and my family. I have lied to myself. I have lied to God. I have lied all of my life because I was terrified of being shunned by my friends, family and church. Now I stand before you an old man that hasn't yet lived a day of his life."

"Brothers and sisters, I am a homosexual. I have been all of my life. I thought it was something I should be ashamed of, something to lock away in a vault under a mountain in a faraway land that man has never laid his eyes upon. I felt it necessary to take this course of action because a Priest, much like myself, told me to be ashamed. He told me I was going to hell. To keep myself from an eternity of fiery damnation I tortured my own soul and denied love that could have made me whole. Brothers and sisters, I can do this no more."

"Ego Sum Solvo"

The Priest took off his collar and left it on the pulpit. He walked out and left his congregation forever.

He marched out with his head held high and the look of righteousness in his eyes.

The congregation silently watched him leave, stunned by the events that had just taken place.

He had finally become the outcast he was destined to be.

As the great doors closed behind him, he paused and shed a tear. He looked up and saw the sun as it was when he was a boy.

He felt the love of God for the first time in his life.




***

Ego Sum Solvo - I Am Free


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 Originally written in September 2006. 

November 5, 2010

On Mexico

America is a nation with a lot of habits. Anyone who has an addictive personality knows that dirty little secrets go hand-in-hand with habits of excess. We turn a blind eye to the unforgivable oppression of women in Saudi Arabia to get that oil pumping through our veins, or is it highways? We don't shed a tear for the millions of children working like slaves so Wal-Mart's stores stay stocked. So why should we give a damn when innocent civilians are gunned down like dogs on the streets of Monterrey so we can get high?

Mexico is on the verge of becoming a failed  state. In the last four years over 25,000 people have been murdered in Mexico. 80% of the weapons found in Mexico can be traced back to the United States. We want to build a wall to keep them out, but the 7,000 gun stores lining the border have no problem throwing assault rifles over the fence.

We'll never stop spending the billions of dollars a year we spend on drugs. The cartels will never go away.

We could renew the assault rifle ban so it isn't so easy to murder so many children so fast.

We could start to recognize that the Mongol hordes aren't invading our country. We could start to realize that every American bullet fired into a Mexican brain creates a family of refugees. No one would want to flee their home, family and friends without good reason. A big part of the fear the average Mexican feels on a day-to-day basis is our responsibility. My sincerest apologies to those that have a lost a family member because of our addictions.

I think I'll go snort a line for the fallen.

November 4, 2010

Decadence

Cigarette smoke in the air. Pantyhose draped over a lampshade. Empty liquor bottles strewn about. An eight-inch buck knife standing erect, stabbed deeply into my coffee table. I pull  myself up in attempt to be a human periscope to get a better view. I turn and put my feet on the ground. My left foot crushes a champagne glass. "Fuck!" I scream, as my right foot steps into a pile of half-eaten strawberries. My profanity elicits a moan from the bedroom. I think it is a woman mumbling something. All I can make out is something that sounds like flexeril and an emphatic "omelet".

I sigh as I pull a few chunks of glass from my foot before standing up to investigate. I walk over the cold, cream-colored tile towards the bedroom. Two red comet tails left in my wake. One blood, the other strawberry jam. I walk in and see a naked woman sprawled out on my bed. The covers hiding her only from the knees down. She rolls halfway over and looks at me. Thirteen cents is stuck to her cheek and forehead. One dime, three pennies. She yawns and rubs her eyes. Twelve cents falls to the bed.

I sit down on the bed, propping myself up with my hands behind me. I see her purse laying next to her, the contents obviously dumped all over the bed. I look at the dresser, an empty condom wrapper. That explains the mess. I feel reassured. She lazily gathers up the five, ten and twenty dollar bills spread across the bed. I look her in the eye and smirk. "Did we fuck, or rob a bank?". She smiles at me lazily. She then extends her index finger, followed by her thumb, at a 90 degree angle. She pulls the trigger. "Bang".

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Image taken from: http://womenpics.org/v/women-smoking/Woman+in+bed+sheets+smoking.jpg.html

November 3, 2010

Election Hangover

Last night wasn't very fun. I had some friends over to watch the election results and it was a far cry from 2008 when we were all stoned in Grant Park watching the overwhelming election results come in over the jumbo-trons. That was a life-changing moment that erased all the awful defeats we suffered under Bush. It's a much different mood here in Chicago today. No one called in from work, no one banged any wide-eyed, idealistic activists. Yes, Democrats, we took a pretty good ass-kicking last night.  Don't worry too much though, the American people are fickle enough to give us back the keys to the House of Representatives in 2012.

Now the pressure is on soon-to-be-speaker Boehner and his band of merry Republi-tans to actually do something. Can anyone remember the Republicans say they were actually going to do anything except take away things once they got in power? Well, besides cutting taxes for the richest 2% of the country? No? Me either. They'll blow this chance. Obama will have someone to rail against besides his own party in 2012 and we'll take it all back and finish what was started in 2008, but with a better economy and a lot more popularity. It'll work out people, I promise.

The more disconcerting thing which I'm trying not to dwell on is the loss of so many governorships with the redistricting due soon after the 2010 census. Well, that and no pot.

November 2, 2010

The Cello Player

I want to make love to a woman that plays the cello. I want to combine my depravity with her sophistication and make strange and surrealistic babies. I think my cello player would open up doors for me. I could go to the opera. I could go to black-tie dinners where open bars filled with expensive scotches are the norm. I could look down upon the plebeians from high in the Monadnock building and refuse to pity them. I'll smoke cigars as they stuff their faces with processed pork parts and greasy potato wedges and I think that would be just fine.

Where are you my darling? I'll be looking for you, longing for you. I know you're dressed in black and dragging that big case behind you. That case filled with my ambitions, my demons and my desires.

November 1, 2010

Replacing Doritos with Dostoevsky

I saw the coolest thing in the paper the other day. The Chicago Public Library is researching the viability of putting book vending machines into el stations. I think this is a friggin awesome idea. Just swipe  your card, pick a new release and viola you have entertainment when your mp3 player is dead. I really hope this works out.

To anyone feeling especially Japanese today do you have any ideas for what else would be cool to see in a vending machine?
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