February 24, 2011

That Girl Is...

She took it all...

She took my pride, my self-respect and only gave me gonorrhea.

She stole my love, my life and my ThunderCats collectibles. She ripped them out of the packaging and stomped all over them, just like she stomped all over my heart.

She got the house and the kids. I'm f****** homeless man! I can't even live in my car cause the b**** took that too! Even if I found a cardboard box to live in her lawyers would be out there with a pair of scissors cutting that s*** in half!

Man she emptied my bank account and put a freeze on my credit cards. She even picked all the quarters out of my change bucket!

She f***** my boss, she f***** my brother, she f***** my sister. Hell she probably f***** you! She f***** everyone I know except for me! She'd just laugh and throw me a raggedy old copy of BBW Monthly.

Not only that, she got my HDTV and my surround sound! You ever try to watch Avatar in RegularD? Man that s*** sucks!

She even took all my friends! I can't even go on facebook anymore. I've got 3 friends man! 3 friends! And one is my momma! It's OK though! I'm gonna get on twitter and show that b****. I'm gonna get #shetookmy trending and show her. Just you watch. They'll give me a show with Spock and everything.

I can't even listen to music anymore, man. She took my iPod. I had all my s*** on there! I had to break out my old tapes. You know how hard it is to pick up chics when you're rocking a boom box in 2011? I don't care what anyone says though, 90's music is deep! I just wish I would have listened when Bell Biv DeVoe told me to "never trust a big butt and a smile"! I Should have listened man, should have listened.

No, I didn't just get divorced or get out of a bad relationship. A friend of mine's divorce went through this week and he was complaining about it. I didn't have the heart to make fun of him to his face, so I'll just email him this later. Oh, feel free to add to it!

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Image taken from: http://www.amazon.com/Poison-Bell-Biv-Devoe/dp/B000002O6V

18 comments:

  1. She took the Transformers and left me the Go-Bots.

    C**t.

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  2. i won't add to his misery...

    i will just point out how small and compact my ass is, and the fact that i never, ever smile.

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  3. Wow, she did a fine job of taking him to the cleaners. I'm impressed.

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  4. LOL this was really funny! And for some reason it reminds me of the Jay and Silent Bob song...

    I messed up my entire life because I got high
    I lost my kids and wife because I got high
    now I'm sleeping on the sidewalk and I know why
    - cause I got high, cause I got high, cause I got high...


    :P

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  5. this is golden: You ever try to watch Avatar in RegularD?

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  6. aw the poor guy has nothing left...

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  7. She's climbin' in yo window...hide yo games, hide yo music..

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  8. At least your friend is taking it well.

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  9. All the makings of a hit hip-hop/country crossover album, right there.

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  10. She don't know it yet but she got my crabs....

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  11. 'Oh man and to add to the insult she put nair into my shampoo, poured a bottle of fish sauce into my favourite boots and turned the fridge off at the wall when I was away for two weeks during the height of summer'
    Sounds familiar...very familiar as the above actually happened to a friend of mine. No, this 'friend' wasn't me though I've borne the brunt of an angry ex trying to stitch me up.
    Ugh even thinking of it gives me the booboo jeebees.....

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  12. Oh dear. Now I feel bad for laughing about your friend's pain. :P

    ...but this was pretty damn funny. Did you really e-mail it to him?

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  13. You should write a rap song. Lol. This was hilarious.

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  14. Avatar would totally suck in RegularD.

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  15. Ha! "You know how hard it is to pick up chics when you're rocking a boom box in 2011?" F***ing hysterical. This will really cheer your friend up -email immediately!

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  16. Ha! I burst out laughing at the boom box comment too, Chris. Funny, funny stuff!

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