February 8, 2011

The Gold(en Arches) Standard

A certain segment of the population has been itching for the U.S. to put the dollar back on the gold standard. Most of them hold stock in cash4gold, but we won't hold that against them. There are some pretty reasonable arguments against going to the gold standard that don't seem to get mentioned. For example, the gold standard was useful because the entire world was on it, not just the dollar. Also, there is the logistical problem, where America is going to find 3 trillion dollars worth of gold. Even if we empty all of our dead grandmother's jewelry boxes and rip out the teeth of the entire rap community we're still going to need a lot more of the stuff.

The price of gold fluctuates a lot too. I think we should tie the economy to something that hardly varies in price at all: the double cheeseburger from McDonalds.

From the heights our economy reached in the 1990's, through the collapse of 2008 one thing has remained constant. A double cheeseburger at McDonalds costs 1$. It may cost you three times as much to drive there now, but for 1$ you can still get two mystery meat patties, some plastic cheese, onions, pickles, ketchup, mustard and a greasy ass bun for the same price now as you did 20 years ago. You can't beat that kind of stability. The double cheeseburger even adjusts for inflation. You used to get two pieces of plastic cheese with a double cheeseburger, now you only get one. If the dollar gets stronger you'll get another piece of cheese. If it loses value, then you lose a pickle.

Face it America, we're fat. This strangely sort of fits (even if our jeans don't). Most of you are probably thinking about McDonalds right now. Let's not lie to ourselves, let's own that shit. This Friday night I'm going to make it rain (sorta) beef patties all night long.

Sure it sounds ridiculous, but so is tying the future of our economy to a completely useless metal that is only worth anything because it's shiny.


  1. hahaha, this had me cracking up: "If the dollar gets stronger you'll get another piece of cheese. If it loses value, then you lose a pickle."

  2. This entry was cheesy (and I mean that in a good way, I think)…

    I think this is a great idea.

    Sure, it might discourage long-term savings (ever had a double cheeseburger sitting around for more than a couple days?), but that’s good, too, because we sort of want people to spend… it helps the economy.

    And if you go out on a Saturday night and get crazy and eat your whole retirement savings, at least the resulting heart blockage will guarantee you won’t be around to retire, anyway…


  3. hmmmm, yes, i quite agree. you have created a very poignant metaphor for the state of today's -

    oooh! shiny thing.

  4. i like shiny things.

  5. This... was... amazing!

  6. Yek. I'm getting that french-fried chemical taste in my my mouth. A dollar? Really?! I had no idea. Jeez, I'll make sure I sit out under the stars, er uh, falling burgers Friday night for a piece of this action.

  7. Given we are making comparisons to gold here, I would have expected you to go with the McNugget.

    Awesome post.

  8. this doesn't have much to do with what you wrote but it reminded me that the other day my cousin who was visiting from israel pulled out a handful of gold dollar coins. And I was like WTF they still have those?

    It wasn't a smart idea. But apparently they give them to you in train stations, who knew?

    Yesterday I was listening to talk radio and they were saying how Michelle Obama is trying to make people thin but she doesn't know shit about nutrition. Just thought it was an interesting fact.

  9. Have you seen the Zero Punctuation review for the game Minecraft? He has an interesting view on the level of realism applied to certain metals. . . Like gold, for instance.

  10. Tsarista: Ha, yea I was quite tickled with myself for coming up with that.

    KatyDid: This idea just gets better and better! I hadn't even thought of that.

    Apfel: Thanks!

    Kage: Well, if we ever get into an argument I'll remember just to dangle my keys in front of you. Instant win.

    Victoria: Don't we all?

  11. K. Syrah: Why thank you!

    Jayne: Well, there's definitely a reason it only costs a dollar. Not the most appetizing thing in the world.

    Kev: Ha, that would have been great.

    Penny: I haven't seen those in a while. I probably have a bunch of them in my change bucket though, also my giving to the homeless has gone down since I got those since I generally just drop whatever change is in my pocket in their cups.

    You'd think she'd get together with a few nutritionists.

    Peridot: No I haven't but I love Minecraft! Going to look it up now.

  12. Brilliant. And McDonalds is uber global. I mean as long as there is/could potentially be a McDonalds in say, North Korea and Cuba and think we would pretty much be covered and have a nice universal standard of money.

  13. Yea you did, wuss out that is. But we all do at one point or another. So it really doesnt matter. I wont do it either, its no fun to play alone.

    I adore your writing.

  14. I think you make an excellent point. I'm all for the McD standard. :)

  15. I love McDonald's. There. I've admitted it.

  16. Erika: That's another very good point. There is already a few of them in every town in the world. The banking system is already set up.

    Belle: I find your writing rather dreamy too.

    Avy: Under that welcome sign it could say over 100 billion served.

    Janet: I think we have a bit of a movement starting here.

    Talli: On my way home from work yesterday I actually couldn't resist stopping at one to get a Big Mac meal. The place has a strange draw over people.


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