February 25, 2011

I Know What You Smelled Last Summer...

Last summer I was driving over to a friend's house late one night. I was coming up on a stop sign when all of a sudden a skunk ran out from behind some pick-up truck and made a mad dash for the bottom of my front tire. I punched the gas, blew the stop sign and drove the ten blocks I needed to go to get to my friends house. Now this is my absolute best friend in the world and he proved that to me that very night. I called him and told him to come outside and tell me how bad I smelled. You know what? True friend that he is, came out and told me I didn't smell bad and not to worry about it. We went into his garage, worked on a car and talked shit for a while.

After an hour or so I had to run to my car for something or another and it smelled pretty ripe. That's when it hit me (literally) that I needed to get that hunk of junk home without getting the stink stuck to me for a month. I decided to walk to the liquor store and get a cigar so cheap that even the most desperate of potheads wouldn't smoke free weed out of it. For some reason I thought if I got cigar smoke all over me that it would somehow cancel out all the skunk stink like some sort of cancerous force field. I think I was able to smoke down about a third of it and I made sure to blow it all over my clothes so all parts were protected.

I told myself that I only needed to drive 15 blocks and that if I blew every stop sign I could get home in less than 5 minutes. I got my car in the garage, left the windows open and decided that if I hit it with febreeze everyday for the next month that eventually I'd be able to drive my car again.

Now I don't know if any of you have ever been paranoid about how you smell before, but it's a pretty awful feeling. I definitely didn't want to bring any of that stink into my apartment. I figured the most prudent thing to do would be to strip off all my clothes, throw them in the trash and hope I didn't get arrested before I got to the safety of my apartment. It was 2 AM and I'd already had the night from hell. I said fuck it and stripped down to my birthday suit, threw my clothes in the alley, grabbed my junk and booked to my second floor apartment. I ran to the shower and washed myself until the hot water completely ran out. I lathered myself with an entire bottle of conditioner because I figured that was probably the best smelling thing I had in my house. After that I said fuck it and went to bed.

I woke up to the phone ringing. It was my friend. He said I needed to come take care of my new kid. I got annoyed and thought he was just fucking with me. He said "for real, there's a baby skunk here you need to do something with it. You killed it's mom." I called bullshit and he sent me this:


Really? What the fucking fuck?

That little baby skunk must of followed the scent trail of his dead mother all the way to my friend's house. They asked me what I wanted to do with it. How the hell do you answer a question like that? I answered honestly, I'll call animal control if you want. It's not like they're going to arrest me for murdering a skunk.

Somehow I'm best friends with the only Puerto Rican in Chicago with a hillbilly girlfriend. She started bawling and said she wanted to keep the thing! Of course I'm the bad guy, but I'm sorry, it's a skunk. Well, I guess it was cold hearted. I mean, that thing is pretty damn adorable. I washed my hands of the whole thing and said you're on your own. I looked at the skunk and gave an Uma Thurman like speech. Something like, "if you grow up and want to avenge your mother, I'll understand".

Anyway, she kept it for a few days but then I guess she took it to bed with her and ended up rolling onto it in her sleep and killing it. I have my suspicions that my buddy strangled it, but I'll keep that to myself.

Why am I bringing this up? Because last night I took the trash out and there was a skunk staring straight at me. Maybe that stinky little guy didn't die... maybe he wanted revenge. I didn't stick around to find out. I dropped the trash right there and ran as fast as I could. Knocked my head pretty good on the gate in the process. Despite writing this while possibly concussed, I assure you this story is completely real. I'll be afraid of skunks for the rest of my life.

18 comments:

  1. I think one of my biggest fears is getting sprayed by a skunk.

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  2. Wasn’t this the plot of “Jaws 4”?

    Seriously, though – this was hysterical. Somewhere, there’s a skunk post office, and in that skunk post office, there’s a “Most Wanted” poster with YOUR picture on it…

    I’ve been sprayed a point blank range by one of those little bastards. That’s no joking mater at all…

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  3. This story reminded me of a Stephen King story. Maybe they buried the skunk in a pet cemetery?

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  4. Oh my. I'm with Austin - it does sound a bit King-ish! :)

    There aren't any skunks in England. I kind of miss them!

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  5. the only time i have actually seen a skunk was watching 101 dalmatians, and from that i would not want to be on their bad side...

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  6. I loved reading this. Buy some beet juice for the next time you encounter a skunk!

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  7. Peee-ew. There is a heavy, heavy scent emanating from this story. Pretty good visuals too - flattened skunk on tire, crazy paranoid naked man dashing up stairs with cheap cigar dangling from his lips, baby skunk dangling from noose, Puerto Rican boy marrying a Clampett at the Lincoln Park zoo.
    Po thing - what nightmares you must have! ;)

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  8. that's pretty skunk-tastic for sure...

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  9. awww! that poor baby skunk! I feel sorry for him :(

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  10. As disgusting as skunks are, I feel a little sorry for the baby skunk. And for you too - to be hounded like this by a family of skunks. Haha.

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  11. mr. allen, this is kage, from the american society for protection and care of animals.

    we would like to speak with you a.s.p.c.a.

    i mean, a.s.a.p.

    don't bother trying to run. we have skunks everywhere.

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  12. Awesome story. BTW, is that skunk in a Busch box? Better be careful of those hillbilly skunks. I hear they have shotguns.

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  13. I am so glad we don't have Skunks here in India, they made my life miserable back in Canada. I am so scared of them! Loved reading this post, especially the Uma Thurman bit :P

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  14. LOL, That was hilarious, Chris. I've had lots of experience with skunks and they do seem to have a way about them.
    Thanks for such a good laugh on Sunday morning.

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  15. See, this hole thing had me smiling . . . until the dead baby skunk. I'm such a bleeding heart, I would have taken the thing to an animal sanctuary.

    No, for real. For some reason injured and orphaned birds keep finding me, like I'm their oracle or something. To date, I've delivered 3 birds into the hands of "wildlife preservationists".

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  16. Wow. I can't believe his girlfriend not only kept the skunk but let it sleep in her bed. What. The. Hell. And how gross that she squashed it to death in her sleep. I wonder if it let out that horrid odor in the process. :S

    Poor little skunk. But yeah, that's totally mssed up.

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  17. My first thought (and I'm not a hillbilly either) was to keep the baby skunk. You can, apparently, get the scent glands removed. Then I guess I would have to stop talking smack about ferret owners.

    ALSO, scientists have shown that pigeons (or is it crows) actually do pass on info about humans they don't like. It was a whole 10-min story on NPR years back. Don't piss off a pigeon.

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