March 31, 2011

21 Ways to Complicate Your Life

I'd like to thank each of you for giving me some great leads on new obsessions I could try out. You guys are really great at helping me make positive decisions in my life. You recommended some great things including joining a cult, oxycotin, watching more reality TV, taking up macrame while on acid, breeding fish, 6th grade projects that keep me up till the wee hours of the night and using something called a WaterPik (Mandy, what on earth is that?). Really, I can't thank you guys enough. If it wasn't for all of your helpful, positive advice I have no idea where my life would be.

I tried doing some independent research on the subject. I mean, I googled the subject. To my surprise, no one writes anything on how to complicate your life. I did find a nice list called 100 Ways to Uncomplicate Your Life and I figure if I try doing the opposite I might get some good ideas. In reality I just edited the list a bit and made some snarky comments. But really, isn't filling out lists and being a smart ass what blogging is all about? Well, that and lesbian cat owners.

1. Don’t try to read other people’s minds
I'm pretty good at sizing people up. Being a mindreader might not be a bad gig.

2. [Don't] Get 8 hours of sleep per night so that you think more [less] clearly
Way ahead of you list.

3. Balance your checkbook
I balanced it on a pile of bills for a while but it fell off.

4. Before getting angry, ask yourself if it will really matter in 20 years
Yelling at people can be fun and no one will remember in 20 years so what can it hurt?

5. Don’t drink alcohol when you’re tired, sad or mad
Done, done and done.

6. For just one day, imagine everyone’s intentions are good bad because most people’s are
I'm sure paranoia and cynicism could lead to a great time.

7. When you have a conflict with someone, [don't] talk it out. Don’t let it turn into more than it is.
I have too many friends bugging me all the time anyway.

8. [Don't] Tell the truth
I could really fuck with some people if I set about telling some really huge lies. Definite possibility.

9. Don’t cheat
Anyone up for a game of Monopoly?

10. Don’t steal
I haven't worked retail in years, but when I did I was pretty good at liberating those corporate pigs from their merchandise.

11. Don’t eat when you aren’t hungry
Fat people are supposed to be jolly, this might have merit.

12. [Don't] Organise your desk at the office
How awesome would a work edition of hoarders be?

13. [Find] Avoid drama
I really wish fat people and minorities wouldn't read my blog.

14. [Don't] Turn off the television/video games/computer; they’re time consumers
Pretty much already doing that or else I wouldn't have a blog.

15. Don’t drink and drive
It is so much more fun that way!

16. Don’t let your imagination run away with you
I'll never stop doing this.

17. Don’t try to help those that refuse to help themselves
I don't see how this could possibly go wrong. Anyone know Lindsay Lohan's number? I always thought she got a bad wrap. Seems like a fun chic to me.

18. [Don't] Wear your hair in a classic, easy to care for style
Reverse mohawk!

19. Wear classic clothes and shoes that never go out of style
Nothing goes better with a reverse mohawk than a pair of bell bottoms and platform shoes.

20. When you ask your husband which outfit looks best, thank him for his answer and wear the one he liked rather than focusing on why he didn’t like the other one
OK, this is supposed to uncomplicate my life? Becoming a homosexual would be incredibly difficult and finding a place to legally marry a man would be nearly impossible. This list sucks!

21. [Don't] Allow your children to grow up
Abortions for everyone! My baby might be in you, but the tab is on me.
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Image taken from here: http://www.artechnika.com/Number22.htm

10 comments:

  1. Hahahah omg this totally made my night :P

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  2. I lol'ed at #13. Sorry, no drama for you.

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  3. This list is genius. How awesome would it be to show up at Lindsay Lohan or Charlie Sheen's house with an Intervention TV crew??? Do ittt :)

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  4. This looks in order. Keep up the good work.

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  5. I think I ripped a muscle. Dear gods you are an evil genius, man!

    Please excuse me, I need to go ROFL until I cry!

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  6. #15 will really make your life complicated LOL!

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  7. Wow. Way to take a perfectly good, uncomplicated list and...GUY-i-fy it.

    I have to admit...it would be a totally lame list without your expertly-placed changes.

    You are absolutely very snarky. I love that about you.

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  8. you had me at "i'll pay for your abortion"

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