April 1, 2011

Chicago Baseball

Today is a holiday. F*** April Fools Day, it's time for baseball! Opening day has always been one of my favorite holidays. It is probably the most optimistic day of the year. It marks the real first day of spring (f*** you groundhog!), lucky kids get pulled out of school and this is the day you are most optimistic about your baseball team. While the coming months may be filled with crushing defeat and sweltering heat, right now it seems like it will be the perfect summer. I like that feeling. And you know what? I think this might be the year that...

The Cubbies Finally Win the World Series!

April Fools!

I, ladies and gentleman, am nobody's fool. I'm a die-hard fan of the Chicago White Sox. Yes, I love the team from Chicago that no one has ever heard of because I'm cool like that. If hipsters were into sports, the White Sox would be their team.

Most of you are probably unfamiliar with the history of Chicago baseball. It's a long, sad and depressing history. Remember when the Red Sox finally won the World Series? All that bullshit about Boston being a long suffering city because their poor wittle Red Sox hadn't won the Series in so long? Do you know what we in Chicago thought about that? F****** pussies! Imagine having two teams in your city with even longer World Series droughts and you may possibly be able to comprehend what real baseball pain is.

For generations this led to a dynamic in which fans of either team could never secure bragging rights because both teams sucked ass year in and year out. At some point in the late 80's the Tribune Company (owners of the Cubs and Chicago's largest paper) started selling the "Cub Experience". Sure they're losers, but they're lovable losers! Wrigley Field has a great view and it doesn't even matter if you like baseball or not, just come down to hang out! At some point, Cubs fans started believing the hype and would argue that the Cubs were the superior team because they were more "popular".

Anyone with a brain can see that's a load of horse**** and Sox fans became understandably bitter because of it. Infuriated Sox fans would try to show the idiocy of this argument but as with Republicans, arguing with Cubs fans is futile. Tensions were running high, and then 2005 happened. The Sox finally won the whole damned thing and I orgasmed in my pants non-stop for six straight months. It was like winning a war. A civic war.

Cubs fans still try to pull out the "Cub Experience" argument from time to time but now the shoe is on the other foot and White Sox fans can smugly remind Cubs fans that it's been over a hundred years since they've won a World Series, only six for us. It feels great too. Until the Cubs actually win a World Series (ha!), that is how it will remain.

This season, it looks like the Cubs are rebuilding, again. While the Sox are looking like they should be contenders. I love Opening Day.


  1. Let's go, go, go White Sox!

    I have a friend who "goes" to Cubs opening day every year. And by going, I mean, she hangs out in the Wrigley bars on opening day. Because that's what Cubs "fans" are all about, right?

    And since I've used too many quotes just now, have a great weekend!

  2. The only thing White around here is the snow!

    Around here, the only Sox are Red Sox!

  3. Screw the Sox, and SCREW!!!! the Cubs!

    Cards are where it's at!

  4. I'm from Colorado. Remember the year the Rockies went to the World Series, and then got swept?

    Yeah, neither does anyone else.

    I'll be watching hockey...

  5. baseball you say? never heard of it.

  6. Go Cubbies! My dad was a lifelong Cubs fan :)

    Meanwhile in the Rose City, I have been suppressing my pissoffedness at that fuckweed Merritt Paulson for pushing our A baseball team out of town so that he could have MLS soccer.

    My entire company is part of the Timbers Army, so we'll see if our first home game soothes the pain. Doubt it though. At least in baseball you can't end the game at 0-0.

  7. What...people with funny pants hit a round thingy with a stick then run around in circles while people yell at them? That sounds a bit foreign to me...


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...