April 4, 2011

The Contented Atheist: On Missionaries

I could come up with some clever words or try to explain my position on people who try to spread the good word. Or, I could post a link to a video from a former baptist preacher who can sum up my thoughts in forty-seven seconds. Listen to Sam Kinison:

We know who Jesus is. We do. If there is one thing Christians are good at, it's networking. We all know the stories. They are really great stories. Jesus stories are probably the best stories that have ever been told, written or recited. Baby Jesus was really cute. How could you not like Baby Jesus? I've been an atheist for a few years now but I still go to church every Christmas because it makes my mom happy. At least that's what I tell everyone. Really, the stories about Baby Jesus make me feel as happy as a little kid in a Dora the Explorer inflatable playhouse.

If you don't like those stories you're probably Hitler. I don't mean to go all tea-party on all of you but it's true. If the idea of Baby Jesus doesn't make you happy then you need to take some time and reflect on whether anything will ever make you happy. Don't be such a cynic that the story of a cute little baby makes you bring up words like inquisition. We all know that horrible things have been done in the name of religion just like we all know the stories of cute little Baby Jesus. Does any of that affect us now? I would like to meet someone that doesn't know the entire story of Jesus' life, death and resurrection. Is there such a person? What corner of the globe has yet to hear the story of Christianity?

There might be a few polar bears caught unawares but I doubt it. We all know the wonderful stories. We all like the wonderful stories. Some of us just think the stories are just stories. We've been around a long time. We've had a lot of saviors and we've had a lot of demons. Christianity has spread around the globe and made an incredible impact on the world. If it wants to stay relevant in the information age it needs to realize that we're all informed and stop being so fucking condescending. The position of missionary has gone the way of the missionary position. It is well known, over-utilized and rarely performed right. Get a new strategy or get out of our personal space. We're all too old to be brainwashed. If we do want to follow your path we'll find our own path to get there.


  1. Ha.

    I wrote a blog a couple years back with this general idea. I said the next time I got asked by some door-to-door type, "Have you heard about Jesus?" or some variation thereon, I was going to say, "Who? Jesus? Never heard of him! Y'all been keeping that secret?"

    The fact is everyone has heard of him and probably said his name when the door-to-door goon interrupted whatever we were doing by ringing the doorbell...

  2. Jesus' parables are amazing, but I'm not a fan of missionaries and what they try to do.

  3. I wonder if Jesus would like to sue people for defamation? If you hold the stores as literal truth, then I'm pretty sure he could.

    Gods, wouldn't that be hilarious?

  4. Katy: Ha, very funny.

    Tsaritsa: Me either.

    Peridot: I'd follow that trial.

  5. i miss sam kinison...remember the standup bit about rehab ("if you have $25K to spend on rehab, you don't have a problem!"), hehe. my stepfather's daughter (i refuse to call his kids my stepbrothers/sisters) married an ex-outlaw biker, who became an evangelist and brainwashed their kids in the missionary world - dude this might just make you pee yourself to see this, funny and creepy all at once: http://www.thefreedomteam.org/Meet%20The%20Team.htm

  6. I can't think about Christmas Mass without thinking of a homily from Mass a few years back. The priest kept saying "Jesus always knows. When you're alone in a dark corner and you think no one sees...Jesus sees" and this kept going on and on. I could not stop thinking about masturbation...and Jesus watching me masturbate. I'm forever scarred, and going to hell in a hand basket :(

  7. I generally can't stand missionaries... or TV evangelists... or whoever came up with the term born again... or that guy that who came up with the jesus fish... the only christians I like are the ones who think God is dead.

    The story of Jesus's birth is the best part of the new testament... the whole crucify and die for my sins part just dragged on and on... I was like cry me a river, when is this book going to end god damn it.

  8. Nothing about the life of Jesus is interesting to me, intrinsically. I resent being lied to about how he came into this world. A virgin birth. Right. And missionaries will find it useful to remain condescending in the developing world. Our god is better than your god only works if you look like you mean it.

  9. Spot on...I'm sure that even if you have been hiding under a rock for 2000 yrs statistics would show that you would have at least 5324 'confrontations' with this Jesus character (latest Nielsen Poll figures released yesterday).
    It's kinda like asking someone 'have you heard about air?' isn't it?


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