May 9, 2011


I've always sought out the broken ones. Sometimes for repairs, mostly for play. As a child, I thought that if I took the best parts from all of my toys I could create some sort of super toy. The arms of He-Man provide strength; Stretch Armstrong's torso adds flexibility; the legs of a Ninja Turtle for dexterity; Batman's head for brains, cunning and a cool mask; and an arsenal supplied by G.I. Joe.

Once my own personal 80's themed Frankenstein was complete it didn't really look like much. If you use a little imagination, however, you have the most kick-ass toy on the playground.

Now that I've grown up I noticed that I do the same thing with women. I'll find myself making strange lists in my head that are filled with statements like "Tina Fey's sense of humor"; "an ass like that girl from the video store"; and so on and so forth. Of course, when a person with as many eccentricities as myself gets to making a list of that sort you become aware that no one will ever really be able to check off every single box. So what can one do? Well, use a little imagination of course.

You start to attribute qualities to her that she doesn't possess. Sometimes they even help and start developing characteristics they never had before. To convince yourself that you aren't settling, you start to overlook the fact that she has no ambition and a laugh so annoying that it gives you goosebumps. It's difficult at first, but eventually it gets easier. Especially because when the lights are dimmed and she wears a push-up bra it almost does look like she has breasts like Salma Hayek. Once you've got yourself completely fooled it's nearly impossible to tell that the only thing keeping your girlfriend's head on her shoulders is a piece of electrical tape.

With any luck you'll realize that you need to stop trying to create your own perfect little transformer and start to see the person on the other side of the table for who she actually is, instead of who you want her to be. She may not be everything you once thought you wanted, but I bet your dog will never bury her leg in the back yard. You'll start using your imagination less and less and figure out what you actually need more and more. Yes, if you work hard at it, you will find that special girl that shows you how much better reality is than fiction and you'll live happily ever after. OK, well, the last part isn't exactly guaranteed. Old habits die hard I guess. Me and my imagination...
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  1. reality is never better than fiction.

  2. Idealization can be a scary thing. The idea of making Frankenstein monsters out of action figures reminds me a little of that show that was on Nickelodeon years ago, Action League Now!

  3. OMg I'm totally doing the rounds of the school fairs to make my very own FrankenToy.

    (I actually do something very similar now with My Little Ponies. Its very fun!)

  4. you know who else takes parts from other things and tried to make them into one super being?

    Serial Killers.

  5. I always had star war toys when I was a kid... and I was really nerdy and wouldn't let anyone touch them. If I ran into a kid like that now, I'd probably break off a little toy leg just to see him cry.

    And I'm not sure I get this "reality" over "imagination" thing. I just like to be around someone attractive and then I just make fun of them in my head. That's a real relationship.

  6. Yeah, I agree with Penz.
    This is sounding a little Silence of the Lambs to me...

  7. Nice piece...

    The only thing more dangerous than trying to build (or imagine) the perfect mate for yourself, is to try and rip off your own pieces and replace them with what you think the other might want.

    Eventually the fake arms, legs and viking warrior helmet will fall off, and you will be left there alone, a useless torso full of unwanted emotions, while he/she goes off with Ken/Barbie.

    Whatever, Ken ain't got no balls anyways.

  8. Action League Now was amazing!

    Also, I *totally* have an ass like that girl at the video store.

    *eyebrow wiggle*


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