May 3, 2011

Unfiltered

I think the copious amounts of marijuana I smoked in my late teens and early twenties completely destroyed my internal censor. I've always thought strange thoughts but I never really started blurting them out with regularity until then. The condition seems to be permanent. I rarely indulge anymore except for the occasional few tokes at a concert, behind a movie theater or before thanksgiving dinner (if you knew my family you'd understand why).

For the most part I keep it together at work, but during an internship in which I held talks at public schools I got into trouble for accidentally dropping the f-bomb. I don't even regularly use curse words! When I'm among friends and family it can get downright ridiculous the things I vomit out. I also never know when I'm going to burst out into a completely inappropriate Phil Collins inspired song and dance routine. I even have to keep an eye on my blog because sometimes what seems like a great idea for a post isn't as wonderful as I think it is.

For example, today's post was originally going to be about the sort of logistical problems that might arise when having sex with a conjoined twin. For example, what if, in the heat of the moment, you accidentally stick into the wrong twin? Is that considered cheating, or even rape? Or, is it like when you "accidentally" stick it into a woman's butt? You wait to see if she's into it and then if she gets mad, you apologize profusely with the hope that you can go back to Plan P. It went on like this for longer than I care to admit.

This is my life now. This is what I have to deal with because of past marijuana abuse. All because when I was younger I didn't have the courage to stand up and say "I'm not a chicken! You're a turkey!".

This Public Service Announcement was brought to you by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.


10 comments:

  1. Sure... blame it on the weed. That's the easy way out.

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  2. "I'm not a chicken! You're a turkey!"

    If any kid said that to a guy offering him pot at my elementary school, he would have gotten his ass kicked.

    And why are these kids so young?! Did our generation really start smoking pot in fifth grade?!

    And I love your randomness. I choked on air at your butt comment. Hilarious.

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  3. sweet pea, that's called getting older anymore as we start giving less of a fuck about what others think, isn't it awesome.

    oregon, where no one ever stops smoking pot. how many requests i've received to make hash oil truffles, sheesh... another friend makes special compost that the growers like down south...our problem is no one wants to legalize it because they'd finally have to pay taxes!

    finally, a man who admits the booty trick :)

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  4. I would assume the other conjoined twin would still have her clothes on, or at least, her openings covered.

    The guidelines for conjoined twin sex CLEARLY stipulate, in section 12.2.3.18, that any unblocked opening is fair game.

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  5. I'm glad Kev brought up the guidelines for conjoined twin sex. I was just thumbing through my manual to find the section "accidental plowing" was covered in.

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  6. Dude, if this is the consequence of weed, I want to smoke it!

    That's what blogs are for: blurting out thoughts you could never get away with expressing in real life!

    Fascinating thoughts about the conjoined twins. Now you've got me thinking.

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  7. I would just assume you were dating both conjoined twins. Kinda like a permanent threesome. Which is awesome up until you have 2 women bitching at you simultaneously.

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  8. COWABUNGA, Dude.

    You're a riot. You're also outrageously inappropriate...that's why you're such a great read. I've no idea what else you're great at.

    Rock on, dude....rock on.

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  9. o.O So my Mum gave you her Pot habit as well as a rash?

    (P.S. You should get it looked at soon, aaight?)

    :p

    ReplyDelete

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