November 28, 2011

One way or another...

I'm a little off balance. I never realized it was a problem until I started veering right and discovered I'm more comfortable doing wrong. I've got this thing inside me that tells me not to care because when I do it turns out bad. Friends, family, lovers, co-workers, even strangers. It never goes the way it should. Heartbreak, anguish, disenchantment, even thoughts of destroying it all. I'm better off without me. I'm better off afraid. Not of the world, but of myself. Only I can destroy the things I love. The things I cherish. The things I hold most dear. I am my own keeper. Not even my own brothers can save me now.

I have thoughts like this all of the time. I'm tortured by them. I cannot escape my own paranoia or my own regrets. So much life lived, so much destroyed. I tell myself it is time to settle down. To build something, to create something. And, it is. I'm right but I cannot defeat this wrong. I torture myself and love others. The point? Amiss. It doesn't really matter now. It doesn't. I'll either defeat the demons inside me and move on or I'll vanquish myself and lay in the fire. Flesh burned, ashes in the amber. A shell, a memory. Defeat.

Or... rebirth. The man I always thought I would be... or the dust I always feared I would become. Nothing matters now. Fate will decide. Memories of laughter or fears of remorse. This moment will decide it all. Determine my destiny. Darkness and decay or light and new life. Time will tell. My story forgotten or rebirth bringing on revelation.

I drink for the lost, and awaken for the redeemed.
____

16 comments:

  1. Damn, you're back with a vengeance!
    plus, you have a new profile pic.
    But how is it you're gone for MONTHS and still have hundreds of followers when you get back?

    Anyway, I like this one because, well, I usually don't like myself very much, either.
    But I'm starting to realize it doesn't matter, really. I don't have to like myself.
    I just stick around to see what happens next...

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  2. Well I'm glad you enjoyed it. And yea, I think that since I disappeared so completely that they forgot to get offended and stop following me.

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  3. I'm better off without me.

    Aren't we all? :)

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  4. Hey. I'm new around here - think I'll hang around for a while and see how being so incredibly self aware works out for you..

    Kitty (Moore)

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  5. i hate how having a job keeps me away from your blog.

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  6. glad your crazy, but somehow addictive blog is back

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  7. Kitty: So far it has its ups and downs. Keeps life entertaining at least. Please feel free to come back anytime.

    Paige: I hate how having a job keeps me away from my blog too! Well, everyones blog to be honest.

    Aurelie: back at ya.

    David: I'm working on it, getting colder so I have more time to write because I don't like to leave.

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  8. Veeerrryyy long time, no see old friend. Do you dare remember we met online, at Yahoo 360! How many freezing years ago was that? A lot, here it is another Christmas holiday at home with my bat nut crazy family....Uggghhhh, I got into a high profile college, to finish out my BS degree then off to law school it is! I do hope you are well, I'm heartbroken, tired of school and only been with my insane nuts dysfunctional family for about a week....SHOOOT me, please. BIG hug, warm hug.

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  9. Oh and I've missed your awesome writing.....

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  10. I love your last line - I drink for the lost and awaken for the redeemed. This post is rather thought-provoking. Intriguingly enough, I can relate to this post and all it's Mannerisms. x

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  11. It's strange how insecurity can penetrate every aspect of our being, every decision we make.

    A raw and powerful post. I wonder what is at the root of this.

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    Replies
    1. To be honest I have no idea what the root is... My mind goes to dark places at times and parts of this blog is the result.

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  12. ok, Chris..time to make an appearance, just so we all know you're well and being your usual jackassery self..grins

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