21 Ways to Complicate Your Life

I'd like to thank each of you for giving me some great leads on new obsessions I could try out. You guys are really great at helping me make positive decisions in my life. You recommended some great things including joining a cult, oxycotin, watching more reality TV, taking up macrame while on acid, breeding fish, 6th grade projects that keep me up till the wee hours of the night and using something called a WaterPik (Mandy, what on earth is that?). Really, I can't thank you guys enough. If it wasn't for all of your helpful, positive advice I have no idea where my life would be.

I tried doing some independent research on the subject. I mean, I googled the subject. To my surprise, no one writes anything on how to complicate your life. I did find a nice list called 100 Ways to Uncomplicate Your Life and I figure if I try doing the opposite I might get some good ideas. In reality I just edited the list a bit and made some snarky comments. But really, isn't filling out lists and being a smart ass what blogging is all about? Well, that and lesbian cat owners.

1. Don’t try to read other people’s minds
I'm pretty good at sizing people up. Being a mindreader might not be a bad gig.

2. [Don't] Get 8 hours of sleep per night so that you think more [less] clearly
Way ahead of you list.

3. Balance your checkbook
I balanced it on a pile of bills for a while but it fell off.

4. Before getting angry, ask yourself if it will really matter in 20 years
Yelling at people can be fun and no one will remember in 20 years so what can it hurt?

5. Don’t drink alcohol when you’re tired, sad or mad
Done, done and done.

6. For just one day, imagine everyone’s intentions are good bad because most people’s are
I'm sure paranoia and cynicism could lead to a great time.

7. When you have a conflict with someone, [don't] talk it out. Don’t let it turn into more than it is.
I have too many friends bugging me all the time anyway.

8. [Don't] Tell the truth
I could really fuck with some people if I set about telling some really huge lies. Definite possibility.

9. Don’t cheat
Anyone up for a game of Monopoly?

10. Don’t steal
I haven't worked retail in years, but when I did I was pretty good at liberating those corporate pigs from their merchandise.

11. Don’t eat when you aren’t hungry
Fat people are supposed to be jolly, this might have merit.

12. [Don't] Organise your desk at the office
How awesome would a work edition of hoarders be?

13. [Find] Avoid drama
I really wish fat people and minorities wouldn't read my blog.

14. [Don't] Turn off the television/video games/computer; they’re time consumers
Pretty much already doing that or else I wouldn't have a blog.

15. Don’t drink and drive
It is so much more fun that way!

16. Don’t let your imagination run away with you
I'll never stop doing this.

17. Don’t try to help those that refuse to help themselves
I don't see how this could possibly go wrong. Anyone know Lindsay Lohan's number? I always thought she got a bad wrap. Seems like a fun chic to me.

18. [Don't] Wear your hair in a classic, easy to care for style
Reverse mohawk!

19. Wear classic clothes and shoes that never go out of style
Nothing goes better with a reverse mohawk than a pair of bell bottoms and platform shoes.

20. When you ask your husband which outfit looks best, thank him for his answer and wear the one he liked rather than focusing on why he didn’t like the other one
OK, this is supposed to uncomplicate my life? Becoming a homosexual would be incredibly difficult and finding a place to legally marry a man would be nearly impossible. This list sucks!

21. [Don't] Allow your children to grow up
Abortions for everyone! My baby might be in you, but the tab is on me.
_____
Image taken from here: http://www.artechnika.com/Number22.htm

Tweet

Complications

Yea right, I wish.

After re-reading my last post I realized it would be rather hypocritical of me to talk about how women should strive to be less crazy without confessing my own brand of cyclical craziness. This is going to make me sound like a hippie d-bag but I've learned over the years that my mind and body are very in tune with the seasons. As the weather gets colder I tend to withdraw into myself, simplify my life, become less social and focus on more cerebral pursuits. At least that's what I tell myself, in reality it just means more blogging.

Once things start warming up I tend to become extremely restless and look for ways to complicate my life. Usually when I start adding complexity I do it obsessively. One summer I found a bright yellow girls bike from K-Mart in my parents garage and rode it 20-30 miles a day until it fell apart on me. Last year I turned my car into a lowrider, tried my hand at announcing a few semi-professional sporting events and dated an older woman who had children close enough to my age to make it feel awkward. Those were all interesting experiences and I don't regret doing them, mostly.

Generally though, my addictive personality gets me into more troubling habits. Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, abusing various substances and finding myself an intelligent, fragile, and troubled young woman are pretty standard hobbies for me during the summer months. Since I've been encouraging women to face down TCCS head-on I figured I should do the same with my own issues.

Since the only drugs still left out there to explore are the scary needle ones and figuring out when a complicated woman will enter my life is nearly impossible, I've decided to be proactive and find other new, less harmful ways, to complicate things for myself this summer. Unfortunately, there isn't much information out there on the interwebs that teaches you how to complicate your life. Apparently everyone wants less complicated lives for some reason. I did find a list of things I could do to uncomplicate my  life and tomorrow I'll take a look and see if doing the opposite of what that list tells me would do any good.

Until then, I'd love to hear what complicates your life for the better or the worse. That and any obsessions you have that I might be interested in copying.
_________

Image taken from here: http://berryxoxo96.wordpress.com/2011/01/13/wattpad/

Tweet

Fight TCCS! (Temporarily Crazy Chic Syndrome)

Last night I was hanging out with a few of my lady friends (platonic, not pay-as-you-go). Whenever a group of women and a man (who isn't in pursuit of their hoo-ha's) get together for a night of drinks and conversation, the topic of why women act so crazy inevitably comes up. It's always funny, stories are told, a bit of man-bashing goes on in retaliation and eventually everyone comes to the conclusion that women are just crazy sometimes. That's it. The tab is paid, the night is over and everyone goes home happy.

It got me thinking, why does the conversation always end there? 99% of women will readily admit to having suffered from TCCS (temporarily crazy chic syndrome) at some point in their lives. Some are even afflicted with it on what seems like a monthly basis. In some cases it even becomes permanent. Yet, in 2011, I still have never heard of any sort of treatment, support groups, or classes that teach women to deal with becoming temporarily crazy.

It seems like we've just given up on coming up with any sort of cure for TCCS. TCCS is accepted as normal, and damnit, I think that's just wrong. Even within groups of women it is tolerated and accepted. If a woman does something crazy, other women just shrug it off as another case of TCCS. Sometimes it even leads to a crazy-chain. Incidentally, Ozzy Osbourne's famous Crazy Train song was originally about the crazy-chain phenomenon until Sharon, you guessed it, went crazy on him. All aboard, Ozzy. All aboard indeed.

Most people just place the blame on hormones. I personally think that's a little condescending and I think most women would agree with me. After all, anytime I've ever asked a woman whom I thought was suffering from TCCS if she is having her period she quickly proceeds to label me a jackass who knows nothing about women.

Besides, the hormones excuse just doesn't work! I've tried it. I told my ex-girlfriend that she shouldn't be mad at me. It wasn't my fault, it was my hormones that make me stick my dick in any woman I meet. Hormones are clearly an awful excuse because she tried to stab me in the shoulder before I even finished explaining the biochemistry of the male human.

I think its time to stand-up and finally acknowledge that TCCS  won't go away by itself. I've decided to start a foundation to find the cure for TCCS. If you're a woman that suffers from this condition or a man that has ever apologized for no reason because your girlfriend was being crazy only to get yelled at even more for not even knowing what you were apologizing for - I urge you to donate now. Please make checks payable to Christopher Allen and send to:

Put Xanax in Every Piece of Chocolate Foundation

555 W. 22nd St.

Chicago, IL 60612

With your help we will solve this public health epidemic once and for all.
________________

Image taken from:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/damgaard/3696157599/

Tweet

Willful Ignorance

I've always been a news junkie. Even when I was 10 or 11 I was an avid newspaper reader. I'm fascinated by the world and everything in it, that's just sort of how I've always been. I take pride in keeping up with world affairs. It makes me feel like a concerned and educated citizen and I like that. However, deep down I know it's really just a form of voyeurism and a way to impress the socially conscious women I tend to be attracted to.

I realize that despite dedicating so much of my life to studying the events that transpire around the globe, that I've never made any impact whatsoever on the world outside of my circle of acquaintances. Chances are I never will. A while back when the WTO was having meetings in Chicago I happened onto the protest and my arm and briefcase ended up in a photo that made it onto the front page of the Chicago Sun-Times. I get the feeling that's the closest I'll ever be to making a splash on the world stage. That's OK though, I still like to pay attention. Following current affairs is like following a soap opera but for liberals.

I know that the news is a form of entertainment to me because anytime it stops being entertaining I stop watching it. When the earth shakes island nations, when waters cover the earth, when towering buildings collapse and countries are bombed I turn the TV off. Nothing makes me feel more helpless than watching people die from the comfort of my living room. I bury my head in the sand and just ignore it until things start turning the corner. Until I find out one way or another whether they'll be able to save that nuclear plant I'm just going to watch March Madness.

Does that make me cold? Heartless? Rational? Sensitive? Apathetic? Indifferent? Human? Inhuman? A coward? Probably a bit of each. I'll catch up on the details later, I just can't watch it live.
______________

Image taken from: http://media.photobucket.com/image/head+in+the+sand+/essobee_bucket/Political/head-in-the-sand.jpg

Tweet

Driving Mr. and Mrs. Daisy

For the past few Mondays I've been taking my grandma and grandpa to the doctor. Somehow my dad and my aunt have mysteriously become incredibly busy on Monday afternoons and since I'm the oldest of my generation this sort of chore goes to me next by default. At first I was pretty excited. It's a solid excuse to get out of work every Monday afternoon and the women at the office all laugh and go awwwww when I tell them the stories of my exploits with my elders. I also need to spend more time with them because my grandpa really only has so much time left. The doctor gave him six months to live about five years ago.

Now don't get me wrong, I love them very much, but after spending about an hour with them I started to realize why my dad and aunt are suddenly so busy. Old people are crabby as hell. They really are like children, if you take them out and they start getting tired they get crabby and start pitching fits. The only difference is I've got no problem scolding a kid when they start acting like a brat, scolding my elderly grandparents though? I'd look like a monster to anyone within earshot. I've decided to just ignore them and read my book. If they want to yell at each other and cause a scene that's their business. The main reason they argue is that they can't hear each other at all. For example, my grandpa was filling out the medical forms for my grandma. He was asking her what the symptoms of her various allergies were. They went through most of them without any trouble but when they got to diarrhea they suddenly couldn't hear each other. This of course led to my grandma yelling "diarrhea! diarrhea! diarrhea!" as loud as she could in the crowded doctors office. I kept reading Oscar Wilde.

They're also very different people and while they both have characteristics I admire, they're personalities can also lead to conflict. My grandpa is a conservative former insurance salesman and my grandma is a free-spirited, classically trained artist. Last week I had to take them to Sears after their doctors appointment so my Grandpa could order a new pair of glasses before the sale they were running expired. They both use walkers at this point and getting them both where they need to go is always a challenge. As we're walking through Sears at a snails pace, my grandma suddenly spots some quilt on the other side of the store whose texture and design for some reason or another really inspired her. Somehow she all of a sudden gets that walker going at the speed of light and darts off in that direction. My grandpa absolutely cannot move fast at all and needs to rest periodically in the store so I'm walking down the center aisle chasing my grandma while my grandpa is behind me screaming "Juanita! Juanita! Dammit! Wait for me! Glenn! Jonathon! I mean, Chris! Grab her!". I seriously think he half expected me to go tackle her and make her wait for him. At that point I decided it was just best to let her go wander off and get my grandpa to the vision center. I dumped my crabby grandpa off on the unsuspecting optometrist and went to go find where my grandma had run off to. It took me a half hour to find her. I never realized how big Sears stores were until that day. Eventually I broke down and started asking random Sears employees if they'd seen an old lady with a walker anywhere. One of them told me they saw one head for the bathrooms so I went there and waited, like some sort of creep, next to the ladies room for about ten minutes. Eventually she came out and said "There you are! I've been looking all over for you!". I rolled my eyes and led her back to where my grandpa was.

I wonder what sort of adventures we'll get into today. I seriously want to find a couple of those leashes that some parents put on their toddlers.
_____


Image taken from: http://americanthings.wordpress.com/2009/11/04/film-driving-miss-daisy/

Tweet

ChrisNotes 3/20

Announcements:

About Me Page. I've added one, you can go look at it if you want. I'd like to start utilizing the pages feature more. I'm thinking that I'll add a best of/on the issues page in the near future. Any specific posts you think I should include on that page? I'll probably try to rethink the Contact Me page because no one has ever used it so I'm going to make it more relevant somehow. What the hell else do people use pages for? I'd be curious to know if any of you are doing something cool with yours.

F*&^ March Madness! My bracket is complete s***. Seriously, I think every team I picked besides UConn has been eliminated. I guess when you only start paying attention to college basketball the day before the tournament begins you can't really be that surprised when your picks suck. The Illini need to shock the world and beat up Kansas tonight before I start losing interest. There have been some really incredible games so far though.

Go Look!

Kanwalful Meets World was one of the first blogs I followed when I started up on Blogger. It is run by a very passionate, intelligent, opinionated and all around wonderful young Pakistani woman who just happened to relocate to Bahrain the very day the protests in Egypt began. The From inside of Bahrain series she has been writing about her own experiences during the unrest in Bahrain has kept me enthralled and I find myself dying to know what she encounters next. You should really go check it out, her page makes for great reading.

From inside of Bahrain; Part II; Part III; Part IV; Part V.

Random Tweet of the Week from @ntsfrmundergrnd :

Comment of the Week: 

EcoGrrl from This Is EcoGrrl... left this comment on the blog in which I asked everyone to interpret my crazy Jimmy Stewart dream: 

you're pregnant.

Yikes! Come to think of it, my monthly visitor hasn't shown up yet... 

Netflix Stream Movie of the Week: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Steve Martin at his best just takes me to a warm place. At a time when there is so much misery in the world, we need these sorts of comfort comedies more than ever. At some point during the week there will be a moment when you'll be in a bad mood, crabby and just about to take it out on someone you love. Instead of doing that, remember that I told you to watch Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, start up Netflix and curl up with your significant other. This movie will cheer you up and make you the happy person you deserve to be. Your lover will thank you, hell, you'll be in such a good mood that you might even get some dirty rotten sex afterward. Click here to read my full review. 

Question Answered 

Well, it would be if you would have asked it anyway. I'd like to add a Q&A section to ChrisNotes in which I answer a question from the previous week. So you know, ask me something if you're curious about anything.

Coming Soon to NoFU:  

• Funny observations from hauling old people around.
• The need to bury your head in the sand sometimes.
• My thoughts on the new developments in Libya. 
• Battle of the Sexists

Tweet

Reckless

Sometimes I want to pack a cooler full of beer, buy a big bag of weed, get in my car and just fucking go. I won't of course, because I'm responsible and shit. It's a lot easier to get in trouble doing something that reckless nowadays. I love Hunter S. Thompson, but he fucked up. He did what most of us have done or at least yearned to do. He grabbed a suitcase full of drugs, hit the road and saw just how wild this place we call America can really be. I find that to be personally acceptable. What I take issue with is that he wrote about it. He showed the world how reckless we can be and repulsed nearly every square that ever got stuck in a suburb.

Because of you, Hunter, if I get behind the wheel of some hot and heavy American steel, down a bottle of Wild Turkey and chase it with a handful of Xanax I'm suddenly a "criminal" because I drove through a "school zone" at 85 MPH with "children" present. Children, I might add, that never would have amounted to shit anyway because let's face it, we might be good at self-indulgence, but we fucking suck at education.

Nowadays if you want to do something selfish, irresponsible and reckless the U.N. passes a resolution that authorizes "the man" to bomb you and your mad mates into oblivion. I ask you, is that really the sort of the world we want to live in? Probably, but only because we're all responsible and shit.
______

Image taken from here. Also, the most awesome cover letter ever written can be found there.

Tweet

Battle of Michigan Avenue: Chronicles of Chicago

The summer of '68 was a wild one. That summer shook Chicago, changed American politics, and devastated the civil rights movement against the backdrop of U.S. involvement in the Vietnam War.

On March 31st, President Johnson announced he would not seek a second term. The man who won with the highest margin of votes in American history in 1964 had only 30% approval ratings by 1968 due to the Vietnam War.

Less than a week later one of the greatest Americans that ever lived, Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated. Riots on Chicago's West Side broke out and lasted for several days with 9 people killed, over 1,000 homeless, and 2,500 arrested. Mayor Richard J. Daley, unhappy with reports that the police had shown restraint when dealing with the rioters, ordered a shoot to kill order for arsonists and a shoot to maim order for looters. A black could hung over Chicago.

A month later on June 5th, Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated after claiming a victory in the California primary election. The shot to the head from Sirhan Sirhan caused RFK to die a day later and ended a political era in American history.

Chicago felt like a city under siege. The nation was tense.

Vietnam protesters organized marches against U.S. involvement in Vietnam during the 1968 Democratic National Convention. Mayor Richard J. Daley was prepared to use heavy handed tactics to maintain law and order, and most of the nation agreed with him. With all of the hotels filled with convention goers, thousands of protesters from outside of Chicago gathered in Lincoln Park for the night. The scene was set for a clash. Police ordered everyone out of the park by 11 PM. Final warnings were issued and then the police marched in. The picture above will give you an idea of the kind of chaos that ensued. Police proceeded to beat and arrest not only protesters but the press. The cameras of photographers were smashed and because of this very few images of this battle can be found.

One protester remarked: "This city and the military machine it had aimed at us won't permit us to protest. . . . Therefore we must move out of this park in groups throughout the city and turn this excited, overheated military machine against itself. Let us make sure that if blood is going to flow, let it flow all over this city. If gas is going to be used, let that gas come down all over Chicago. . . . If we are going to be disrupted and violated, let this whole stinking city be disrupted and violated."

"The worst day of protesting was Wednesday, and was dubbed the 'Battle of Michigan Avenue'. Protesters were stopped during their march to the convention site and the media recorded graphic violence on the part of the Chicago police. Many innocent bystanders, reporters and doctors offering medical help were severely beaten by the police."

The scene inside the convention was just as chaotic. Vice President Hubert Humphrey had the nomination sewn up on paper, but this was before Presidential nominees were selected entirely by primary voters. With Humphrey's support of the Vietnam war, his nomination was anything but certain. Things were intense and became negative. The keynote address, usually a positive message, was a rant about how bad the country was. Humphrey did win the nomination, although he would later lose to Nixon.

The most memorable moment from inside the convention was when Sen. Abraham Ribicoff nominated Sen. George McGovern for President and when he did he looked directly at Mayor Daley and said "with George McGovern as President of the United States, we wouldn't have Gestapo tactics in the streets of Chicago." Mayor Daley was furious and stood up and shook his fist at Ribicoff and yelled either obscenities or what he later said was the word "faker". King Richard I was not an enemy any politician wanted to make. He completely controlled the electorate in Chicago and is widely credited with supplying the margin of victory that got Kennedy elected.

The downtown hotels where the delegates and convention goers were staying were affected by the tear gas. Humphrey, looking down from his hotel room after being nominated as the Democratic candidate for President, was crying from the tear gas used by the police on the protesters as he looked down upon the madness in the streets.

Many hotels where the delegates were staying were affected by the riots. Fumes from the tear gas used by the police and "stink bombs" thrown by the protesters drifted into the buildings.

"When the convention was finally over, the Chicago police reported 589 arrests had been made and 119 police and 100 protesters were injured. The riots, which were widely covered by the media, led to a government funded study to determine the cause of the violence. The study was led by Daniel Walker, a Democratic businessman from Illinois who ran successfully for governor in Illinois in 1972. The study placed most of the blame on the Chicago police. Mayor Daley disagreed with the report and issued the Chicago police a pay raise."

In most cities Daley would've been ran out of town. Chicagoans loved him even more and showed it by electing him with an overwhelming majority in the next election.
___________

For previous Chronicles of Chicago click here. 

Information in quotes taken from here.

Tweet

John & I

I was born the day John Lennon died. A few were happy to see me, most were melancholy. I remember looking 'round the room at all the despondent faces and thinking I must have done something wrong. They looked at me with smirks and stares that said "they killed the Walrus and all we get is this fat ugly baby?".

Then someone mentioned reincarnation. The grown ups in the room glanced quizically at each other and said things like "you don't think?"; "don't be ridiculous!"; and "it might be far-fetched, but what if...?". I tried to tell them I wasn't John Lennon, I was only me, but I spoke baby and they weren't bilingual. I screamed in frustration but all they did was check my diaper. I knew from then on that my opinion would always be shit.

As I grew older they made me sing and play the guitar but I had no rythm, no talent and no soul. At least not the soul everyone expected to see. Eventually the pressure led to drugs, drink and despair. Did anyone help? No. They were only encouraged! They said I was just getting in touch with that famous dark side John and I were supposed to share. Today I sit here bald, broke and penniless wondering what life could have been if I'd only been born the day Ringo died.
________

Image taken from: http://www.cardboardposters.com/headline-2-john-lennon-killed-412-p-883.html

Tweet

Amateur Dream Interpreters Needed

I don't remember most of my dreams. When I do, I like to try and figure out what they mean. The one I had last night was really strange and I'm completely clueless as to it's possible meaning. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

The dream was set in a Las Vegas hotel and casino. I was on vacation with friends and for some reason I was sharing my room with a guy I didn't know. We apparently had a friendship but it's not someone I recognize from real life. We get into a number of arguments, nearly fight each other and I decide that this whole thing is just ruining my vacation and I'm just going to leave. My friends point out that I'm the only one with a key to the room and that if I just don't let him in anymore the problem will solve it's self.

I think to myself "fuck him, why should my vacation be ruined?" and decide to stay. I brood for a while because I know there is an inevitable confrontation coming when I see him again and tell him he's not welcome anymore. I tell one of my friends that if I see him again I'm going to hit him and they're going to need to bail me out. The concierge apparently doesn't like the guy very much either and says that I shouldn't worry about getting arrested so I decide that since I'm getting a free shot I might as well make the most of it.

I wait for him to show up in the lobby. I see him, I go towards him and pop him a couple times right in the face. I see him knocked down on the floor and realize that I didn't hit that guy, but instead knocked out Jimmy Stewart. Not young Jimmy Stewart or dead Jimmy Stewart, but an elderly version of Jimmy Stewart. I hold him, crying and yell out at everyone else watching the scene. I scream at them trying to figure out why they didn't stop me and say "you were there, and you, and you, and you!" which is actually from the Wizard of Oz but I thought it was from It's A Wonderful Life at the time.

After that the dream ended and I woke up. It feels like it's gotta mean something but I have no idea what that could possibly be. Any ideas? Anyone else had some pretty crazy dreams?
______________

Image taken from: http://www.things-and-other-stuff.com/movies/hollywood-stories/14.htm

Tweet

Great Expectations: A Review

Despite my obsession with reading the titans of literature, I had never gotten around to reading Dickens until now. When I was growing up, my parents had this very beautiful and intimidating set of Dickens' complete works.

I always loved the way they looked but they still had a very stuffy feel to them. When I was about 10 I decided to take on one of these impressive books just to say I had. I started reading David Copperfield, but once I realized it had nothing to do with magic, I quickly became disinterested and haven't attempted to read the great English writer since.

Recently, I was in my favorite little used bookstore and decided it was time to give Dickens another try. I purchased the book and the little old lady at the counter said "Ooooh! You must be part of Oprah's book club!", which made me throw up in my mouth a little. Yet another obstacle to reading the great Charles Dickens: my refusal to do anything Oprah tells me to.

Despite this hardship, I decided to go ahead and read it anyway. I just wouldn't read it within the vicinity of any middle-aged housewives. And, I'm really glad I did. I see why they put Dickens up there with Tolstoy and Shakespeare now, he's really incredible. Yet, as a writer, he seems almost completely different than any of the other authors of great literature. They all have a tendency to be very plodding, methodical and philosophical. Dickens feels a lot more like that exaggerating uncle that tells really good stories after he has a few beers.

The incredible twists and turns this novel takes literally made me gasp out loud. I don't think I've ever had as much concern for, and curiosity about, a fictional character as I did for Pip. Dickens really knows how to work a reader over emotionally, it's incredible.

What really makes this book one of my favorites, is that it was so relatable for me on a personal level. Growing up, my father owned a failing floor cleaning and janitorial service. We really weren't doing well at all and it made for some hard times. As much as I realize that it's an honorable profession now, when you're a kid no matter how much you emphasize the word own, you're still going to get made fun of and feel looked down upon when you tell other kids your dad is in the janitorial business.

Just like Pip, I too, would at times try to conceal this sort of open secret about myself and placed an extreme amount of pressure on myself to rise above what I thought was my station in life. I'm at peace with everything now and realize that my father worked incredibly hard to make sure I would have the chance to succeed. I still, however, have all sorts of underlying complexes that I share with Pip and it made this book immensely memorable to me. Even if you don't share my various neurosis's you should still read this book, it's a wonderful piece of work.
____________

To read my previous book reviews click here.

Tweet

60X60: An Idiotic Intervention

This is my entry in Nahno McLein's 60X60 challenge. You get 60 seconds, or 60 words to write what you want. These are mine. Click this link for details. 

Everyday I hear "idiot this, idiot that".
"I have a low tolerance for stupidity."
I think to myself, if they knew they were stupid would they still be stupid?
Is stupidity like crazy?
They say when you realize you're crazy, you become sane.
If you know you're stupid will you become smart? 
Can you hold an intervention for the mind?

Tweet

Chris Notes 3/13

Announcements: 

Controversy Week. Went very well. I had a lot of fun doing it and, surprisingly enough, no one flipped out on me for my support of baby-killing, tasteless racial jokes, socialism, and sexual deviancy. It just testifies to how awesome all of my followers are. Although, I would be lying if I didn't say I was hoping that someone would freak the fuck out on me and leave an insane comment.

Keeping Up. I haven't really been doing a very good job keeping up with everyone's blogs lately. I just follow too many interesting people, getting behind happens. I think I'm just going to go into Google Reader and hit "mark all as read" and start over. Is there anything I missed this week that I absolutely have to read?

Go Look!

Nahno McLein is holding his 60 X 60 challenge this week. I plan on putting my entry up tomorrow and you should too. How it works is you either write 60 words or write what you can in 60 seconds. I'm a fan of brevity so I think this one will be fun.

Luke Raftl from all your stars are out has an interesting writer-type blog that I've only just recently come across but have really enjoyed it so far.

Random Tweet of the Week from @ntsfrmundergrnd :

Coming soon to NoFU: 

• A review of Great Expectations
• My entry in the 60X60 challenge
• Random stuff
• Any suggestions out there?

Tweet

Coitus Interruptus

Over the last year or so I've been reading Freud's The Interpretation of Dreams. It's pretty interesting for an academic work but I can still only get through so much of it at a time. One of the parts I found most amusing was that he found coitus interruptus to be a cause of neuroses. For those of you that are unfamiliar with Latin, coitus interruptus refers to the "pulling out" method of birth control popular with men who successfully argue that it just "feels better".

Any male that has ever practiced coitus interruptus can testify to the fact that pulling out does indeed cause neuroses. It's symptoms include obsessively checking her belly to see if it's gotten any bigger; extreme anxiety until she has her next period; and in extreme cases, eighteen years of baldness, poverty and awaking early on Saturday mornings.

This has been a public service announcement from the medical staff at NoFU.

Tweet

Controversy Week: Political Correctness

To round out Controversy Week here at NoFU, I thought it was appropriate to talk about how we humans react and respond to controversy. The vast majority of public speech isn't controversial and garners very little attention. However, every once in a while someone says something outrageous that gets the media all in a tizzy, condemnation of said speech ensues, and someone may or may not get fired from their job.

Eventually there is a backlash against the condemnation received by the individual who started the controversy (whom we shall from now on refer to as jackass). This backlash comes from people who either agree with said jackass (but won't say it publicly) or from people who think the media is blowing the whole thing out of proportion. The most commonly used argument against the public condemnation of said jackass is that our modern, politically correct society stifles free speech and makes a big deal out of every little controversy.

Mostly everyone I've ever met in my life has been against political correctness. It's really rare that you talk to someone who stands up and says "I love being politically correct!". In reality, it seems the majority of people will come out and say that the whole PC thing is wrong and they get so annoyed by it. The same people, I might add, will pick and choose which jackasses they defend. Mel Gibson, for example, got drunk and said some very politically incorrect things. Some people defended him on anti-PC grounds, but a lot of people who are anti-PC would not come out and defend Mel Gibson. Even they found what he said offensive. This contradiction, in my opinion, shows that while the majority of people claim to be anti-PC, in reality they are not. I would argue, that this illustrates the fact that the phenomenon we are talking about here today wasn't started by the media or some liberal conspiracy, but is in fact, a natural phenomenon in human society. Ironically, this opinion, by my own logic, makes me a jackass.

It's OK, really. I've been called much worse. To be honest, I don't mind being a jackass every once in a while. This isn't really a bad time to be a jackass either. People complain about how restricted speech is nowadays but they really don't know what they're talking about. Hundreds of years ago, a jackass named Galileo got turned into the Inquisition for what he said and we all know how that turned out. It isn't always bad to be a jackass. Einstein, Jesus, and many other great figures from history were jackasses. If you have an idea that you think is important enough to share with the world then by all means do it. Just remember that if what you say is controversial, there will be a natural backlash that might get you fired from your radio gig. When it comes time to defend your idea don't cop out and use the anti-PC argument, you're more original that. If you weren't then you wouldn't be such a jackass.

Tweet

Controversy Week: Sex

Well, according to the voting, this is the post that most of you perverts... errr readers have been waiting to read. Just kidding, about some of you anyway. So what is my big (pun intended) observation about sex?

It's not really that big of a deal.

Sure, it's necessary for the creation of life which is beautiful/terrifying, depending on your point of view. It leads people to do some pretty strange things, like learn to play the guitar. It also makes you feel good. Really good, if you're doing it right. Remember the movie Boogie Nights? Do you remember when Burt Reynolds' character was talking about directing the best porn movie in history? Well I'll remind you.

I don't want to make a film where they show up, sit down, jack off and get up and get out before the story ends. It is my dream, it is my goal, it is my idea, to make a film that the story sucks them in and when they spurt out that joy juice they just got to sit in it.They can't move until they find out how the story ends.

I love that movie. I love that quote. The idea, however, is pure fantasy. Has anyone in the history of the world ever kept watching porn after they've already satisfied themselves? Of course not! The idea is ludicrous. Watching people fuck is boring and a bit gross looking if it isn't accompanied by having a certain amount of lust in your loins.

Imagine a couple of aliens from another planet looking down on us having sex (you better believe they're watching, you dirty girl). The observations they would make would probably sound a little something like this:

Kang: What the... what on earth are those two humans doing?
Kodos: I have no idea, it's kind of strange looking. Maybe he's giving her the Heimlich?
Kang: He really should take CPR lessons because he doesn't seem very good at it. He's got his arms around her and he keeps slamming her against him, but they've been at it for 15 minutes already, she should have suffocated by now.
Kodos: Whoa! What is she... what?
Kang: Well, she's definitely not choking.

When you watch the discovery channel and Mr. and Mrs. Lion are getting it on, do you think, "wow, that's so beautiful and romantic"? No, you giggle and make inappropriate jokes because it looks really stupid looking. So why do we make such a big deal out of it? Everyone's doing it or it at least thinking about doing it. We don't attach any taboo connotations to eating dinner. Everyone does that too.

I think there is a big mythos around sex because it just makes sex more interesting. I've never said to a girl "Hey, looking at you in that short skirt makes my body need an orgasm. Can I put my penis in your vagina until I excrete bodily fluids inside you?". Why? Because it doesn't sound very exciting or appealing. I'd have a much better chance of finding satisfaction from my lover if I smacked her on the ass and said "I'm going to make you my slut tonight". Sure it won't always work, but the odds are much better (if it doesn't get me slapped) because it sounds intense and naughty.

I'm perfectly content with living in a society that is prudish because I certainly am not. It's fun to have dirty little secrets. I say to everyone, embrace your kinks. Embrace your cravings, desires and don't be afraid to add a little excitement to your love life. Being bad is fun and keeps you closer to the person you're bumping uglies with. I say keep sex taboo because it makes me want to excrete bodily fluids inside of you that much more.
_________
Images taken from here, here and here.

Tweet

Controversy Week: Income Disparity

10% of Americans control 70% of America's wealth, and by extension resources.

America was founded not only on the ideals of becoming a democracy, but a meritocracy as well. One of the big evolutions to come out of the American Revolution was that when the patriarch of a family died, his estate was not bequeathed to only the first-born male, but was divided evenly among the offspring. This meant that huge fortunes would be broken apart and we would avoid creating an American aristocracy that was so prevalent in the rest of the world at the time.

In America, possibly more than in any other country, we share the belief that a good idea and hard work can lead to success beyond anyone's dreams. We've seen it happen over and over again. Bill Gates is a wonderful and inspiring example. He took a good idea, ran with it, became filthy rich and changed the world for the better in the process. We all want the ability to do what he did. We all have the right to do what he did. The right to become successful might not be in the Bill of Rights but it might as well be.

We all know that not everyone will become wildly successful. Some will make it and some will fail, but we all firmly believe that we deserve a fair shake at the money tree. Unfortunately, over the last thirty years a corporate, de facto sort of aristocracy has developed that not only want to bring in insane salaries but believe they are entitled to them. We were all outraged at the CEO's pulling in ungodly sums of money despite the fact that their mismanagement brought America's economy to it's knees. Yet we did nothing about it.

There was a lot of bitching and whining about the problem but there was not any public outcry to actually do something about it. In fact, many even fought to ensure that income disparity grows this year by supporting the political party whose platform declared war on the middle class when it unleashed Reaganomics on the world. Somehow putting the interests of the rich ahead of the interests of everyone else became political priority number one in America. What is even more incredible is that so many people support it.

From 1945-1973, one of the greatest periods of economic growth by a country in world history, all income over $400,000 a year was taxed at a rate of between 70% and 91%. Reagan and George W. Bush dropped that rate down to it's current level of 35%. Why do people wonder why we have a huge deficit when taxes on the wealthy have been cut by more than half over the last thirty years? We don't need to slash government, we need to restore a sane tax policy.

We live in a time where the net worth of 400 Americans is equal to the net worth of half of all Americans. Bloody revolutions have been waged for numbers that weren't as bad as that. At a time when 99% of us have had to make sacrifices because of hard times why hasn't that top 1% been asked to make the same contribution?

People will write me off by arguing that I'm simply declaring class warfare. I've got news for you, class warfare was declared on us 30 years ago. It's about time we started fighting back.

UPDATE: Just to clarify, in America we use a marginal tax rate system. I won't go into exactly what that means because it's complicated and others could explain it better than I. What it means in practice is that the first $75,000 dollars everyone makes gets taxed at the same rate. You can make a million dollars or exactly $75,000 dollars and that first chunk of money will be taxed exactly the same. I think there are 5 different brackets right now and they all have their certain cut-off point.

In the example of the 1945 rate that person would not net only $120,000 dollars because that first $400,000 dollars would not be taxed at 70% but at the rate everyone else is taxed at up until that point. The benefit of having a higher bracket is that if you are pulling in a salary of over $400,000 dollars a year you are doing it on the backs of the people working for you and drives wages down in America as a whole. Yes, you could still make 30 million dollars a year if you really want to but you would be taxed hard on it. It's a way to bring the income gap to manageable levels and also encourages reinvestment in the company as opposed to going to the salary for the CEO.
__________

Image taken from here: http://extremeinequality.org/?page_id=8

Tweet

Controversy Week: Race

A lot of people are uncomfortable talking about race. Well, really just a lot of white people are uncomfortable talking about race. Let's be honest, historically when white people talk about race some pretty bad s*** usually followed (holocaust, slavery, et al.) so there is a bit of guilt there. If you hang out with black people or Latinos for any length of time you'll quickly find out that they really have no issues talking about race with you or anyone else.

As a white kid growing up in Chicago you get confronted with race issues from a pretty early age. Early on your nickname on the playgrounds is pretty much guaranteed to be either white boy or wedo (which is just white boy in Spanish). As a white kid with a smart mouth sooner or later you end up calling other kids black boy or tamale boy and probably end up getting into a few scruffs because of it. Eventually, kids get a little older and start developing friendships and a sense of humor.

By the time I was in eighth in grade or so I had a pretty diverse group of friends and all we would really do was play sports and sit on our parent's porches talking s***. If you've ever had a group of male friends you realize that when the s*** talking starts there isn't really much that is out of bounds to use as fodder and race was no exception. I was a little uncomfortable at first, because I was white, but eventually I learned that I could pretty much say the most racist possible things I could think of and as long as it was funny no one really made a big deal about it. Sure feelings would get hurt from time to time, but those people would just get made fun of more. Just sort of how it works with young men.

Because of my somewhat unique experiences as a white male with race it's somehow gotten to the point that people know I'm not racist because I say so many racist things. Now I'm not saying you should suddenly start going up to black people you don't know and give them KFC coupons because that will probably get you punched in the mouth. But, if you've got a black friend that wouldn't get offended for you making that same bad joke chances are you aren't racist.

A lot of it comes down to comfort levels. If you're comfortable around blacks and Latinos then chances are blacks and Latinos will be comfortable around you. Black people like jokes about black people more than anyone if they're funny and without malice. We're the Barack Obama and Dave Chappelle generation, not the George Wallace generation. There is a lot less racial tension out there and it isn't as taboo as you think it is to talk and even joke about race. If we ever do make it to the point that we live in a post-racial world it won't be because we don't talk about racism. It will be because we think racism is just one big joke.
____________

Image taken from here: http://funny.funnyoldplanet.com/strange/ant-racism/

Tweet

Controversy Week: Abortion

I know I said I'd only write about one controversial topic, but over the course of the weekend I decided I kind of wanted to write about all of them. I am declaring this Controversy Week here at NoFU. Now, since we will be talking about subjects that often make people's blood boil I'd like to remind you of the one rule I have here at NoFU. You can call me a baby-eating Nazi-loving necrophiliac all you want in your comments, but if you aren't respectful towards the other participants I will have to remove your comment. First up for Controversy Week, the topic that is the odds on favorite to cost me the most followers: abortion.

Controversy Week, Day 1: Abortion.

The biggest problem I have with the abortion debate is that it is framed in a way that makes it impossible to have a constructive conversation about the pro's and con's of whether abortion should be illegal or not. So much time, money and sanity is wasted on the question of whether abortion is morally right or wrong that little thought is ever given to what the answer to that question would actually mean.

Let's say for a minute that the pro-life side wins and abortion is outlawed. Only the most naive person in the world would think that abortions would stop happening in America. You know when you hear about dead babies being found in dumpsters and how repulsive it makes you feel? Get ready to read stories like that, every single day. Except it won't only be babies. Legitimate doctors (for the most part) aren't going to sacrifice their careers to give women abortions. Illegitimate surgeons will quickly become the fastest growing career path in America. Do you really want your daughter having her insides ripped out by some guy in a warehouse because she's too scared to tell her parents she fucked up and got pregnant?

You're probably thinking that my daughter would never put herself in that position. In a perfect world no one's daughter would ever need an abortion. I don't think anyone, anywhere has ever thought that an abortion was a good thing. No matter how you shake it, abortions are always a shitty option in a shitty situation. Allegedly, there are women out there that use abortion as birth control but I've never heard of any actual woman saying that. Everyone I know that has had one has told me that it was an absolutely awful experience and I tend to believe them.

In the end, I'm pro-choice because there isn't really another option. I don't believe that outlawing abortion is at all practical no matter how wrong you think abortion might be. I would much rather have qualified physicians giving women abortions than having bad people in bad places give them. Instead of arguing about an issue that will never be fully solved, maybe we would be better served putting our time and energy into sexual education and giving condoms out for free on every street corner. That's a real way to do something about preventing abortions, so where is the pro-free condom movement in America?

Tweet

Controversy

I've realized I'm not nearly as edgy as I think I am. I'd like to throw a few topics out there and see which one you lovely people would like me to offend you with.

Abortion

Race

Income Disparity

Sex

Leave a comment and let me know which wedge issue you'd like to hear more about.

Tweet

The Song of Solomon

Whew... I never thought I'd say this but certain parts of the Bible get a bit steamy. I'm not even kidding, most of this book is about a very naughty girl having very naughty dreams. It's also really beautifully written. There are some really romantic parts that I bet the boys at Bible camp could pitch some pretty impressive woo with. I know if I ever end up attracted to the offspring of Christian Conservatives I am going to whip this book right out (pun possibly intended).

As you can guess this is a song book and it goes into some detail about love, sex and longing for the opposite sex. Some verses were syrupy sweet (Song of Solomon 8:6-7):

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, a raging flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.

Some were destined to be Friday Facebook status updates (Song of Solomon 5:1):

Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love.

Some made my jaw drop with shocking eroticism (Song of Solomon 5:4-5):

My beloved thrust his hand into the opening, and my inmost being yearned for him. I arose to open to my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh, upon the handles of the bolt. 

Pretty intense stuff, no? Another interesting thing is that God isn't mentioned in this book at all. To be honest I'm a little surprised this book is in the Bible at all. According to the introduction to the book, the Song of Solomon is an allegory for our longing to have Jesus' love inside us (horrible pun shamefully intended). I find that explanation to be a bit sketchy and get the feeling that long ago some Rabbi's wife caught her husband reading it and quick thinker that he was came up with the allegory story. 

Overall, I have to say that I've been both surprised and pleased with the last few books of the Bible. I'm happy to find out that there is a diversity of opinions and subject matter besides all the hell and brimstone you find from Genesis to Job.
___________

I decided to read the Bible a few years ago. Not as an angry atheist with an ax to grind, nor as a crazed evangelical looking to spread the word of God. I'm reading it from the perspective of a level-headed man that's curious what the most influential book in history has to say. These are some of my thoughts on the experience. Click here to read some previous entries.

Tweet

A Fool's Errand

Little Johnny was so fast you see
and had a great idea.
He'd spread it 'round, so brash was he
and tell it to the world.

His little town  was better than theirs'
and he'd make 'em all agree.
Little Johnny, he would brag and boast
until they came to see.

Johnny was so shocked to learn that
not everyone agreed.
Some threw sticks and others stones.
Shockin' Johnny to his bones.

He thought them blind and made his mind
to fight until the end.
If Little Johnny had only saw the folly of his way,
he might have learned a thing or two,
that would have saved him to this day.

Alas, Little Johnny's eyes were closed
and his mind as well.
Instead of embracing what he saw,
he got pushed on down a hill.

Little Johnny never made it home again
to the place he found so swell.
Remember that next time ya think it's
better where ya dwell.

We're all quite different but in ways,
we're just the same.
Going on about how great you are
drives everyone insane.
_______________

Image taken from: http://www.illustrationsource.com/stock/image/503251/portrait-boy-with-ginger-hair-indoor/

Tweet

Horrible Movies!

So I'm participating today in my very first blog-ring that was started by Nugz at That Ain't Kosher. I've wanted to do one for a while now but you know, karaoke ain't happening. This month we're reviewing horrible sports movies and I was lucky enough to get the awesome Alexandra from The Tsarista Sez posting on my blog. When you're done go check out my review of the rather strange Punch over at Ginny's blog: Ginntastic. I'll shut up now and turn things over to Alexandra.
___________

Hello everyone, my name is Alexandra and I have a blog called The Tsaritsa Sez. Shoutouts to Nugz for creating this movie review ring,
and major props to Christopher for letting me fill his blog today with
my foolishness. I assure you that we will return to your regularly
scheduled program tomorrow. Or whenever Christopher next updates his
blog. I'm not going to tell him what to do.

The movie I chose was The Waterboy, starring Adam Sandler. So, I'm a
bit of a loser and my obligation to watching this film and
subsequently writing a review of it kinda slipped my mind. You know
how forgetfulness can be sometimes. Anyhow, I still wanted to
participate in this ring and I especially didn't want to leave
Christopher hanging, so I went to youtube and watched as many Waterboy
clips as I could find. The last time I saw The Waterboy was when I was
13 years old, and at the time it was one of my favorite movies. I
remember a good deal of the film, but I wanted a refresher. One day
I'll watch The Waterboy again in its entirety, but today is not that
day. So without further introduction nonsense, let me introduce to you
The Waterboy. The condensed version. In haiku form, because I just had
Japanese food for dinner.

Bobby Boucher serves
water to ball players and
gets picked on often.

Sandler loves morons
at least he loves playing them
check his résumé.

Waterboy can run.
Waterboy has wrestling moves,
knocks jocks off their feet.

Kathy Bates, his mom
mean chick from The Craft, his girl
and his coach's The Fonz.

Gators are ongry
medulla oblongata
harness that anger!

Bobby loves water.
"Gatoraaaaaade." "H2O."
water in canteens.

Bobby wins it big--
gets married and goes to school.
His momma is proud.

Ride that lawn mower.
You can do it all night long!
Just don't you smoke crack.

Tweet