What if Jesus was a Woman?

Would we have treated women differently if the Holy Trinity consisted of the Mother, the Daughter and the Holy Spirit?

Would the last two thousand years have not been so overtly sexist?

Would women have had control over their own destinies for more than just the last 30 or 40 years?

Or, would we have crucified her at a much younger age before she could get her own book?

I can't really say because there hasn't been a wise, inspiring, female role model for the last two millennia to look up to. Women are either whores or virgins. I was conditioned to think of women as objects instead of as divine beings.

I can say that I bet lady Jesus would have an amazing rack! They'd probably be d-cups, perfectly round and incredibly perky. In fact, they would probably defy gravity. No bra would be necessary, they would just float in the air, defiantly resisting the laws of physics. Now that sounds divine.
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Image taken from: http://mattstone.blogs.com/photos/female_crucifixion_art/woman-crucified-art.html

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Football (soccer) Fans. Help?

I've been trying to follow football for a few years now. I've thoroughly enjoyed the last few World Cups. I really enjoy watching the sport and I've even got the rules mostly down now. The problem I have is following league play. It is so confusing for someone new to the sport. The NBA, MLB and NFL here in the states are all fairly easy to understand once you know the rules of the game. There are playoffs, they all play each other, the winner is declared the champion and you wait for next season. I get that, I've followed it all of my life, it is very intuitive to me.

The trouble I'm having with football is that there are a ton of leagues. The English have the Premier League, Spain has La Liga, and so forth. If it was just that each country had its own league I wouldn't be confused. Where I get lost is that there is also the Champions League which, from my understanding, the best teams from all of the major leagues participate in and declares a sort of champion of champions in Europe. It seems like this must be the big prize but I really have no idea.

What is considered a bigger achievement? Winning the Champions League? Or say, winning the Premier League? Having not grown up around it, any help understanding what is most important to football fans would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, and I'm going with Barcelona to win the whole thing. Manchester United and Real Madrid just seem too much like the Yankees of their respective leagues to me so I can't root for them.

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Christopher's 7 Little Known Facts

1. I never learned how to ride a bike.

2. When I was in seventh grade I would write "Jacqueline" on the palm of my hand nearly everyday in an effort to build up the courage to finally ask her out. I never did. Three years ago I bumped into her and she asked me out. I said no. People change.

3. I'm in a polyamorous relationship with an adorable sociology student named Karen and a Salvadorian man we affectionately call Dali.

4. I made a pitcher of Kool-Aid last night because I had no flavored beverages on hand (unless you count tequila) and I wasn't in the mood for water. It was awesome! Why don't people still drink Kool-Aid? I can't remember the last time I was at someone's house and they asked if I wanted a glass of Kool-Aid. Or is it that people just stop asking you if you want Kool-Aid when you're older than age 10?

5. The above statement wasn't entirely true. I didn't make Kool-Aid, I made the generic equivalent. We always had the generic stuff when I was a kid and now I have a taste for it. I could afford Kraft Mac-N-Cheese if I really wanted it, but the stuff from Aldi's just tastes better to me.

6. The above statement wasn't entirely true either. At this point I doubt I could really afford Kraft Mac-N-Cheese. I was just trying to make a point.

7. Number one is a lie. However, most people lose interest in lists by this point and I can't wait to see how many people ask "who the hell doesn't know how to ride a bike?". I find great humor in bizarre lies that people believe just based on the absurdity of the claim and firmness with which it was delivered. People always say "you can't make stuff like that up". You can, I do it all the time. So yes, obviously I know how to ride a bike. In fact, Karen, Dali and I have a beautiful three person bike we take on day trips. I like to be in the middle.
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Image taken from here: http://humor.gunaxin.com/15-mia-kool-aid-flavors/19821

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Love and Happiness IV

Read it all by clicking here.

The left side of her lip wants to curl but she won't let it. You can see it all over her face; she has a surprise. It smells like gilded ceilings and yellow brick roads. She's sitting in front of a marble cake covered in strawberry frosting. She looks up and smiles. She thinks to herself "there he is, the love of my life and the bane of my existence".

She says "happy birthday hunny! I've missed you. I hope you like the decorations, we did good, right?"

"Thank you baby. Everything is perfect. Come sit on my lap. You look so tense. I love both of you so much. I know I get mad sometimes, but I want you to see how much work I'm trying to put into this thing we call a family. I love you girl, no matter what. You belong to me and I belong to you. Just don't make me mad anymore. Please! It's not worth it baby. On nights like this I feel like the biggest and best man in the world. Make me feel like this everyday. We'll have a long life together as long as you don't mess up."

She put her head in his lap. He played with her hair. They both stopped caring.

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Just a Thought

Apparently there is an oil crisis going on in the world that has caused gas prices to skyrocket. Except, there hasn't really been any oil crisis. The only reason prices have gone so high is because there might be an oil crisis at some point in the near future. We are paying extra money at the pump right now because of something that may or may not happen in the future.

Confused? Don't be. It sounds like bullshit because it is bullshit. They throw in words like speculative trading to explain it in order to keep people confused. We're being scammed for billions of dollars right now. Then again, we're used to getting scammed for billions of dollars. We bailed out Wall Street after it lost our investments. We sacrificed thousands of lives and billions of dollars to get Big Oil back into Iraq. Yet, both of them are still fucking us with no vaseline (which ironically is made with the products left over from processing crude oil).

I won't go so far as to say we should go Hugo Chavez on the mother fuckers and take over the operations ourselves... because that would make me a communist and get me assassinated.

But, for every cent that gets added to a gallon of gasoline we should reward Wall Street and the oil companies with another regulation. We need to realize, as a people, that deregulation has only fucked us, as a people. They make record profits, we choose between groceries and gasoline.
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Image taken from: http://www.leavedebtbehind.com/frugal-living/saving-money-tips/gas-cost-you-how-much-more-survival-tips-for-budget-conscious-drivers/

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The Civil War Should Not Be Celebrated

I saw a few articles last night that really annoyed the shit out of me. Apparently, because northern states aren't hosting huge galas to commemorate the 150th anniversary of The Civil War we are somehow ignorant of history. I beg to differ. The reason we don't spend all of our time hosting elaborate reenactments is because we realize that The Civil War isn't something to be proud of, but something to be ashamed of.

The Civil War showed exactly how insane and barbaric Americans can be. There may have been some people that died valiant deaths during the war, but that doesn't mean the war should be celebrated. We should be horrified by The Civil War. We slaughtered each other over the right to enslave some of us. I don't see what there is to be proud of. Especially not if you're celebrating the achievements of the Confederacy.

Even if you buy into the asinine argument that The Civil War was fought over "states-rights" rather than slavery, you still have to admit that the Confederacy fought a war against the United States of America on American soil. Have you ever seen what we've done to anyone willing to fight against the United States? We tend to use A-Bombs and Napalm. We sure as hell don't fly their flag and make it a fashion statement.

The Civil War was the worst thing that ever happened to the United States of America. When that legacy is remembered, maybe I'll attend a reenactment.
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Image taken from: http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/usa/pages/Confederate-reenactors-promise-secession-if-Obama-elected-Scrape-TV-The-World-on-your-side.html

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Love and Happiness III

Part I; Part II. 

"Mom, I don't know what to do. I can't stand him anymore."

"I told you he was no good. Then again when have you ever listened to anything I've said?"

"Mom! Don't make this about you! I'm starting to get worried. He got so mad at me last night and I have no idea why. He was yelling and screaming for hours! Evan was crying and I was frozen. I didn't know what to do."

"You never know what to do, that's your problem." The mother laughed and said "Hell, if you were smart you'd get on your knees and suck on his little pecker for a while. That always calmed your idiot step-dad down."

"Mom! I'm being serious here. I... I think I want to... leave him".

Silence.

"And go where?"

"Could I...?"

"Hell no girl! You better get that silly idea out of your head right now. You know my boyfriend wouldn't go for it and I am not going to screw this up just 'cause your ass ain't got no sense."

"OK, OK... I'm sorry..."
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Image taken from: http://www.nimblepixel.com/44

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Cosmopolitan

A couple days ago I made a satirical joke at the expense of the French government over their recently enacted ban on women wearing a burqa in public. It sparked an interesting debate on racism and cultural differences. I'll admit that getting on the French was at least a little bit hypocritical since I never really commented on the burning of the Quran by that crazy preacher in Florida. Both countries seem to have their share of racist demagogues, I imagine we even have more per capita.

After a bit of reflection I asked myself whether I had the right to criticize the French for their burqa ban when I live in a country that didn't really have any issues with jailing Muslims from foreign countries in secret prisons without any evidence and subjecting some of them to torture. Then I remembered one of my favorite quotes from H.L. Mencken:

"Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under."

I don't care where you live, if you aren't at least partially ashamed of your government than you are either not paying attention to what your government is doing or you are the supreme ruler of said government. Every government sets the rules for it's people and every citizen can think of at least one rule they don't agree with. If anything unites us, it is this: we all think the people in power make too many mistakes and we would all live in better countries if people just used a little common sense.

This train of thought has led me to a very cosmopolitan worldview. Definitely not because it's fashionable, either. As the world has shrunk, certain segments of our populations have tried to accentuate our differences in order to either gain, or retain, power. Whether it is Iranians declaring the United States the Great Satan or Americans condemning Muslims as enemies of liberty, someone is always trying to score points off of someone else. The reality is that none of us are really all that different. We all need to eat, sleep, shit and make the sweet, sweet love.

According to Google Analytics, I've had visitors to this blog from 67 different countries and I have probably read blogs from people in nearly half as many. Do you know what I've learned? For the most part we're all sick of dealing with bullshit. We try to do our best. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail. It doesn't matter if you're from America or Algiers, you share more similarities than differences with everyone else in the world. My hope is that as the world continues to shrink we will begin to realize this more and more. Call me a foolish optimist if you like, but the evidence is right in front of you. You're literally staring into a window that lets you see the whole world, and for the most part, if you open your eyes you'll like who you see. Unless they have horrible grammar, then you should feel free to make snide remarks.
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Image taken from here: http://www.ecoglobe.ch/sustain/e/shri6n15.htm

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Love and Happiness II

The bitch took my dope. I couldn't fucking believe it. I wanted to grab her and choke the shit out of her. What right does she have to take what I need just to get through a day of her fucking bullshit?

I never wanted to hit her, but I will if I have to. She never complained about it until I moved in with her. She can't pay her rent. I pay all the bills! When I want to have a little hard earned fun, all of a sudden I'm the bad guy? Give me a break. This stupid bitch was lost till she met me. Call me an asshole all you want. I don't give a fuck. Yea, I've got my habits. I go to work everyday though, don't I?

You can lead a dog to water but you can't make her think. I can leave anytime and move back in with my brother. Where would she go? She'd be back on the street the same way I found her. She knows it. That's why we play by my rules. Get on your knees or get the fuck out.
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Image taken from here: http://www.smallfuel.com/blog/entry/what-cigarettes-can-teach-you-about-branding/

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Dear France,

Do you realize that by comparison you are making Americans look tolerant and reasonable? Doesn't that bother you? It bothers me. If you keep this up you'll soon have your own homegrown Sarah Palins to deal with.

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Love and Happiness

I call her Thin Lizzy because she doesn't eat. People ask me how I deal with her, but it's not really that bad. You can do whatever you want to a girl that hates herself. She always thinks she deserves it. Surprisingly, she isn't a bad cook either. I tell her to make me chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, biscuits and gravy. I sit there and eat in front of her while she eats two pieces of celery. I laugh at her because it's so silly. I don't press her though. I like her better this way. Less bullshit to deal with.

The only annoying thing about her is she has this stupid little kid. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree I guess. He started getting too attached to me. I bought him a balloon when I was first trying to get in his mom's pants. You gotta be nice at first, you know? I put an end to that though. I sat the little mongoloid down and said listen, just because your mommy calls me daddy it doesn't mean you can.
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Image taken from here: http://thinspo-pics.xanga.com/675467685/i-want-collarbones/

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Elusive

There is always that one thought. It floats around inconspicuously. You grasp it and hold onto it. You do everything you can to remember it. Then it turns to steam and evaporates through your fingertips. It was such a good idea, but it wasn't your idea. You just held onto it for a little while. Put your own spin on it. That idea was destined for other people. It only wanted your fingerprint.

It's frustrating, but it's OK. You thought it was yours, but what did you do with it? Nothing. Let it go. It will make someone else very happy. It might even make someone rich. I had an idea for bacon rings once. It's a simple idea. Take an onion ring. Replace the onion with bacon. Sell it to White Castle. Watch the money roll in. It's silly. You'd eat one though, wouldn't you? Someday someone will take up the cause and it will get made. It won't bother me, even if it is wildly successful.

I'll drink too much. Order a sack, and realize why the idea left me the next morning. It was, and wasn't meant to be. Life has a strange way of working silly things like this out. Remember that next time you have a great idea and forget what it was. The universe will find a way. You can be bitter, or you can bite down and enjoy.
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I did a search after I wrote this. Apparently someone came up with the same idea about the same time I did. They did something about it though, I didn't. It wasn't mine to begin with.

Click here for image source.

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Blogging Drunk or Why I Schedule My Posts

As some of you might have noticed I like to hit the sauce from time to time. I also like to blog. Occasionally the two combine to produce a creative blog post.  Most of the time the combination results in a convoluted rant with more foul language and strange idiosyncrasies than I care to admit to. When I started this blog I would often end up posting those blogs at 2 AM and then regretting it the next day, sometimes I'd even be forced to take them down. Luckily I found the "Scheduled at" button after a few months and decided that all of my blogs would be published at 11:00 AM CST because it gives me time to check my posts the next day after I dry out.

Below is what was scheduled to go up yesterday before I decided to pull it. Commentary is in italics.

Difficulty with Sustainability

Not a bad topic. That must be why I've already written about it, sober. Click here if you're interested.

Sustainability is quite the buzzword nowadays. It's a wonderful word that describes a movement among socially and environmentally conscious people to essentially not shit where they eat. Because what fun are cliches if they aren't crude? If you're an American, and you don't live in a tiny apartment near public transportation, that you use regularly, you are using up more than your fair share of what the earth provides. Now I'm not going to get all preachy on you because honestly, I like my meat red and 'roided, I prefer cars that are mean and gas guzzling, I think tofu is disgusting and I really don't give a fuck how much hairspray my date uses so long as I'm not looking down at a b-cupped version of Albert Einstein when the night is over. At this point I'm really just trying to be funny because I think I'm a funny drunk. I am, but this was meant to be a serious post.

I'm not green by any means. The only reason I use public transportation is because driving is such a pain in the ass and I'd probably get a ticket for reading during my morning commute if I was in my car. I am a selfish creature who is unwilling to give up creature comforts. That being said, I try to recycle and a while back I decided to enroll in one of the most activist-oriented programs at one of the most liberal schools in the state. They talked about sustainability, a lot. I signed up for the program because it was an alternative to becoming an evil lawyer and it sounded like a career path I could be good at. Basically, I wasn't ready to face the real world. Blah, blah, blah, trying to show off, blah, blah, blah, needed some way to end paragraph before it went on forever.

And this is where it all goes to s***:

Back in 2003 I had no idea what the hell sustainability was. My peers were all crazy about it though. Supposedly, it was the greatest thing in the history of the world since Led Zeppelin t-shirts. I had a John Paul Jonesing to Robert Plant my ass into the movement but I just couldn't do it. It was too cliched, even then. Don't get me wrong, it all sounded wonderful, but when I asked how to make it practical, people had a tendency to John Bonham their own vomit until a dead silence hung in the air.

Damn you Pandora Radio and your awesome Led Zeppelin station! Somehow I thought incorporating the names of all the members of Led Zeppelin would work well in a blog about sustainability. I'm way too easily distracted when I've been drinking. Instead of ending the blog with a sharp and witty conclusion, I got frustrated when I couldn't figure out how to incorporate Jimmy Page into the next sentence. Still seemed good enough to post though. Thank God for "Scheduled at". 

You're probably wondering why this post didn't end up on the cutting room floor with all of my other drunk posts. Well, most writerly types like the vino quite a bit and I thought sharing my method in avoiding the dreaded 2 AM drunk post might help someone. Don't get me wrong, writing while drunk is awesome and I have come up with some of my best stuff that way. If you're going to alter your mind-state you might as well get some creativity out of it. I probably could have taken some bits from this post and made something pretty interesting. Instead, I wanted to share a bit of advice that I learned from the master:

"Write drunk; edit sober."

-Ernest Hemingway

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My Confession

    Act 1

    "Where to begin…I shall begin in those years that left their calling card in the things we had, which were battered and familiar; in what we believed, which was reassuring and unchanging; and in what we said, how we felt, and how we treated one another. It was such a wonderful time Father, I was just a young boy of 12, feeling things I've never felt. The cliche of 'simpler times' fit my life perfectly up to that point."

    "Would you like to make a confession?"

    "Yes, Father"

    The Priest makes the Sign of the Cross upon my brow. The noose of guilt that has been tight around my throat since I was a young boy now feels as if it will suffocate me. Then I begin.

    "Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last confession, these are my sins."

    "Father, I have been too ashamed to admit this sin even to God himself. I've held this dark secret inside me for most of my life and all of my penance up to this point has been a sham. It happened behind Morgan's Soda Fountain over on Maple Avenue. I was with my new friend Eric, he was a wonderful boy, the most beautiful I have ever seen."

    A tear rolls down my cheek.

    "What happened son?"

    "We had just left the Soda Fountain, we were young boys filled with sugar, caffeine and glee. We ran behind the building, he tripped and almost fell over. I ran into him and held him up, our eyes locked and we kissed." Then, in a stern voice, I heard Father Kerry, he yelled at us and called us sinners. He told us that God was ashamed of us. He demanded that we purify our souls or we would surely be damned for God hates fags.

    "I devoted the rest of my life to 'purifying my soul'. Years later, as I became a young man, I entered the priesthood to battle my own inner demons. I thought it would cure my homosexuality but it has not. I cannot change what my heart desires and I have been fighting this battle of conscience within my mind for all of these many years."

    Act 2

    The Priest stands before his congregation and prepares to deliver the sermon of his lifetime.

    "For 40 years now I have devoted myself to the priesthood. Followers of Christ: I have been living a lie. I did not become a priest because I love God, I did not preach the Word because I wished to serve Christ. I am here before you because of my own personal shame. I have been driven my entire life by my own weakness. My life's work has been repression because I, as a young boy, was repressed. I have inflicted the misunderstandings of my generation upon yours."

    "I threaten you with eternal damnation rather than embracing you as brothers and sisters in Christ. I use guilt and shame to instill obedience rather than allowing God's own words to keep you from running astray. I have upheld ancient, outdated beliefs because I am afraid to stand up for change. I have lied to you, I have lied to my friends and my family. I have lied to myself. I have lied to God. I have lied all of my life because I was terrified of being shunned by my friends, family and church. Now I stand before you an old man that hasn't yet lived a day of his life."

    "Brothers and sisters, I am a homosexual. I have been all of my life. I thought it was something I should be ashamed of, something to lock away in a vault under a mountain in a faraway land that man has never laid his eyes upon. I felt it necessary to take this course of action because a Priest, much like myself, told me to be ashamed. He told me I was going to hell. To keep myself from an eternity of firey damnation I tortured my own soul and denied myself love that could have made me whole. Brothers and sisters, I can do this no more."

    "Ego Sum Solvo"

    The Priest took off his collar and left it on the pulpit. He walked out and left his congregation forever.

    He marched out with his head held high and the look of righteousness in his eyes.

    The congregation silently watched him leave, stunned by the events that had just taken place.

    He had finally become the outcast he was destined to be.

    As the great doors closed behind him, he paused and shed a tear. He looked up and saw the sun as it was when he was a boy.

    He felt the love of God for the first time in his life.

    Ego Sum Solvo - I Am Free

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(Fake) Blog Awards!

If you've been blogging for any length of time then I'm sure you're aware of the existence of blog awards. It's nice to get recognition from your peers but often you get awards that don't seem to have anything to do with your blog. For example, I once received the Irresistibly Sweet Award and that's not really my style. Just ask any of my ex-girlfriends.

It got me thinking, what if blog awards were representative of what blogs were actually about? So I made a bunch of them. I thought about giving them out, but I get the feeling I would have probably offended some people and I wanted this to be fun. I am, however, officially awarding Shelly from Shelly Talks Too Much the first award because I know she won't get offended. Especially considering she volunteered JimKitty to be the face of the award.

If you have a sense of humor about yourself and think one of these awards fits your blog then I award it to you. Make up some rules and pass it around to those deserving of the, umm, honor. Just make sure you add a touch of sarcasm to the whole thing.

Because if it wasn't for crazy cat ladies taking pictures of their feline friends blogging would cease to exist.

You must be fashionable because you never smile and ALWAYS look away from the camera.

Because you post all of your blogs using your neighbor's WiFi.

Because you looked around and saw that there just wasn't enough useless shit being sold in America and had the courage to do something about it.

Because you wear Drew Carey glasses, prepare for the zombie apocalypse, and think people actually care.

Which I've awarded to myself.

Because if it wasn't for you none of us would know that revisions suck. You're also deserving for keeping the red wine industry alive.

Your blog sucks but we love what you've done with your layout.

I don't care about your lame cause and I'm pretty sure I'm about to find out how big of an idiot that makes me. 

If all of your daddy issues don't make us cry your bad poetry and awful grammar definitely will.

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The Contented Atheist: On Missionaries

I could come up with some clever words or try to explain my position on people who try to spread the good word. Or, I could post a link to a video from a former baptist preacher who can sum up my thoughts in forty-seven seconds. Listen to Sam Kinison:



We know who Jesus is. We do. If there is one thing Christians are good at, it's networking. We all know the stories. They are really great stories. Jesus stories are probably the best stories that have ever been told, written or recited. Baby Jesus was really cute. How could you not like Baby Jesus? I've been an atheist for a few years now but I still go to church every Christmas because it makes my mom happy. At least that's what I tell everyone. Really, the stories about Baby Jesus make me feel as happy as a little kid in a Dora the Explorer inflatable playhouse.

If you don't like those stories you're probably Hitler. I don't mean to go all tea-party on all of you but it's true. If the idea of Baby Jesus doesn't make you happy then you need to take some time and reflect on whether anything will ever make you happy. Don't be such a cynic that the story of a cute little baby makes you bring up words like inquisition. We all know that horrible things have been done in the name of religion just like we all know the stories of cute little Baby Jesus. Does any of that affect us now? I would like to meet someone that doesn't know the entire story of Jesus' life, death and resurrection. Is there such a person? What corner of the globe has yet to hear the story of Christianity?

There might be a few polar bears caught unawares but I doubt it. We all know the wonderful stories. We all like the wonderful stories. Some of us just think the stories are just stories. We've been around a long time. We've had a lot of saviors and we've had a lot of demons. Christianity has spread around the globe and made an incredible impact on the world. If it wants to stay relevant in the information age it needs to realize that we're all informed and stop being so fucking condescending. The position of missionary has gone the way of the missionary position. It is well known, over-utilized and rarely performed right. Get a new strategy or get out of our personal space. We're all too old to be brainwashed. If we do want to follow your path we'll find our own path to get there.

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ChrisNotes 4/3

Announcements:

Guest Blogging. My blog is my baby and I'm a very protective parent. I like knowing where it's at and what it's doing at all times. Sure I sometimes play with it when I'm drunk and teach it bad words but it's supposed to do as I say, not as I do. The other day I realized I've had this blog for nearly a year and a half now and in internet years that makes it about the age of consent. It's time I let my blog start dating. Aside from theTsaritsa seducing my blog with Bobby Boucher haiku when it was still underage, I've never had anyone take my blog out on a date. If anyone out there is interested in doing a guest post on my blog or maybe working on a collaborative blog-project I'd love to hear your ideas. I do have something in the works but I'm curious to see what other good ideas are out there. It could be fun. If you're interested, hit that Contact Me tab up there at the top of the page or drop me a line on one of the million of networking sites I'm on and let know what you have in mind.

Pages. I'm working on adding pages for the various blog series that I've created like Chicago Chronicles and The Contented Atheist. I've got one up there now and I'm working on getting the rest up soon.

Go Look!

Arguendo from Arguendo and Dixi is trying to do something special for his tenth wedding anniversary. He's trying to get people to volunteer to send happy tenth anniversary postcards from all over the place and I say that any man that is still making romantic gestures after ten years of marriage is deserving of help. Click here to help a very cool couple celebrate their love and marriage.

Random Tweet of the Week from @ntsfrmundergrnd :

Netflix Stream Movie of the Week: Sam Kinison: Family Entertainment Hour. 

Because he was an evil f***** genius and the anniversary of his death is a week from today. Click here to read my full review.

Coming Soon to NoFU: 

• A review of Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray.
• The Contented Atheist: On Missionaries. 
• Perhaps even a guest post from you.

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Because I'm Bored: Depp v. Day-Lewis

DeNiro, Hoffman, Nicholson, Pacino and Poitier are obvious names when any discussion of the greatest living actor comes up. However, I think we can all agree that they are all either retired or have lost a step from their former greatness. When I think of actors that are still in their prime three names come up: Denzel, Depp and Day-Lewis (Maybe DiCaprio). Now, I love Denzel Washington. I don't think he gets nearly enough credit as he should. He's easily one of the best, and most consistent actors of all time. Think about it, have you ever seen a bad Denzel Washington movie? As much as I love his work, I don't think he has the range of Johnny Depp or Daniel Day-Lewis.

Now I've always been a Johnny Depp fan, especially in the lean years between Edward Scissorhands and Captain Jack Sparrow. Blow, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Ed Wood and Donnie Brasco are some of my favorite movies of all time. I would even anxiously await movies like Don Juan DeMarco, The Ninth Gate and Secret Window just because he was in them. Not only that, Johnny Depp is probably the only man in the world I would consider having a homosexual encounter with. He is the man, and has been my favorite current actor for some time now.

Then I got Netflix and started going through Daniel Day-Lewis' back catalog. Holy f***** f*** that man can act. I mean, I'd seen how great he was in There Will Be Blood and I saw him act circles around Leonardo DiCaprio in Gangs of New York, but I didn't realize how f****** incredible he is until recently. I'm starting to think he might be better than Depp and I'm going to try and explain why. Watch your four favorite Johnny Depp movies and then watch My Left Foot, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, In the Name of the Father and There Will Be Blood. As much as I love Johnny, his best performances just don't stack up to those of Day-Lewis. I'm not trying to take anything away from Depp, I'd still do him. Depp's movies are more accessible, but I think Day-Lewis, with a few more brilliant performances, might be able to sit atop the acting mountaintop with Brando himself.

And yes, I'm aware that this isn't the sort of thing I normally like to do on my blog but it's Saturday and no one will read it anyway.

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Chicago Baseball

Today is a holiday. F*** April Fools Day, it's time for baseball! Opening day has always been one of my favorite holidays. It is probably the most optimistic day of the year. It marks the real first day of spring (f*** you groundhog!), lucky kids get pulled out of school and this is the day you are most optimistic about your baseball team. While the coming months may be filled with crushing defeat and sweltering heat, right now it seems like it will be the perfect summer. I like that feeling. And you know what? I think this might be the year that...

The Cubbies Finally Win the World Series!

April Fools!

I, ladies and gentleman, am nobody's fool. I'm a die-hard fan of the Chicago White Sox. Yes, I love the team from Chicago that no one has ever heard of because I'm cool like that. If hipsters were into sports, the White Sox would be their team.

Most of you are probably unfamiliar with the history of Chicago baseball. It's a long, sad and depressing history. Remember when the Red Sox finally won the World Series? All that bullshit about Boston being a long suffering city because their poor wittle Red Sox hadn't won the Series in so long? Do you know what we in Chicago thought about that? F****** pussies! Imagine having two teams in your city with even longer World Series droughts and you may possibly be able to comprehend what real baseball pain is.

For generations this led to a dynamic in which fans of either team could never secure bragging rights because both teams sucked ass year in and year out. At some point in the late 80's the Tribune Company (owners of the Cubs and Chicago's largest paper) started selling the "Cub Experience". Sure they're losers, but they're lovable losers! Wrigley Field has a great view and it doesn't even matter if you like baseball or not, just come down to hang out! At some point, Cubs fans started believing the hype and would argue that the Cubs were the superior team because they were more "popular".

Anyone with a brain can see that's a load of horse**** and Sox fans became understandably bitter because of it. Infuriated Sox fans would try to show the idiocy of this argument but as with Republicans, arguing with Cubs fans is futile. Tensions were running high, and then 2005 happened. The Sox finally won the whole damned thing and I orgasmed in my pants non-stop for six straight months. It was like winning a war. A civic war.

Cubs fans still try to pull out the "Cub Experience" argument from time to time but now the shoe is on the other foot and White Sox fans can smugly remind Cubs fans that it's been over a hundred years since they've won a World Series, only six for us. It feels great too. Until the Cubs actually win a World Series (ha!), that is how it will remain.

This season, it looks like the Cubs are rebuilding, again. While the Sox are looking like they should be contenders. I love Opening Day.

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