Crime and Catharsis

I called him Young Raskolnikov. He was obsessed with treasure and committed crimes to get it. Deep down he was really just a broken person desperately seeking punishment. One morning, as I sat out on the stoop, I saw him running down the street screaming like the bastard of some sort of mythical banshee. His white shirt was covered in blood. He dropped to his knees, began to cry and remained there until captain Porfiry and his boys showed up.

They slapped the cuffs on him and hauled him away. He looked at me from the back of the squad car and I saw a smile on his face. He'd finally met his destiny of detainment. If only he hadn't hurt so many others in his pursuit of discipline. Sometimes freedom can only be found in chains. Sometimes being told you're bad is the only way to ease the pain.
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Image taken from: http://media.photobucket.com/image/handcuffed%20man/derekdman16/Handcuffed.jpg

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Just so everyone knows...

I'm not dead or anything, just have a lot on my plate right now. Some good, some annoying, but I'm doing OK. Thanks to all of you whom expressed concern. I'll be back sooner or later.

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Game Time

Not sure how many basketball fans are out there but I'm f****** excited about this. I've been waiting for this match-up all year and if you're a fan of the NBA you have been too. The three best basketball players in the world will be on the court tonight and Chicago will be rocking. The best thing about this series? This is only year one of a rivalry that is going to dominate the NBA for the next 6 or 7 years.

Bulls in 7. Derrick Rose for President!

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Standing Mute

For the last 48 hours I've been maintaining blog silence in a protest against the Chinese government's stringent censorship policies with regards to the internet. I planned this protest as a personal statement and I've been completely blown away by how the Blogger community has responded. Not only was my blog silent, but all of the blogs I follow, and thousands of others as well. I am deeply, deeply moved. Thank you for helping me to make this powerful statement. Truly, our silence has been heard.
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Image taken from: http://desertpeace.wordpress.com/2011/01/08/i-will-not-be-silenced-by-the-israeli-government/

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The Contented Atheist: On Religion in America

Any atheist that lived through the Bush years knows that those were dark, dark times. To be honest, anyone with half a brain knows that period wasn't exactly a high point in American history. For a while there "Christian Conservatives" ruled the world and even normally pragmatic atheists thought it was the end of the world (or at least planned to move to Canada). The religious rhetoric has been toned down considerably since then, but sometimes when I'm walking alone at night I think that a gang of christian conservatives is going to abduct me in an unmarked van, take me to Gitmo, tape my eyelids and condition me to vomit anytime someone says "evolution".

Whenever I start hearing a bunch of stuff on the news that makes me think we're all f***** I look to the people around me and I get a little bit more faith in the human race (figuratively, not literally, we all know there wouldn't be much actual f***** going on with those prudes in charge). For a laugh, one night some friends and I actually counted the number of people we know that regularly go to church and compared it to the number of people we know that wear cubic zirconium laced Jesus pieces. In the final tally, the 'Ye's had it.

It was a silly, half drunk experiment but it alludes to something interesting. There is a hardcore group of Americans that are ultra-religious and very scary, we'll call them Evangelicals. However, there are a ton of people that wear religion like jewelry instead of as a guiding force in their life. For example did you know that 70% of Americans that believe in God, believe that there are many paths to eternal life? More than two thirds of religious Americans don't believe that there is only one true religion! When I saw that number it really surprised me. It makes me think that while 78% of Americans are Christians, most aren't as fervent and intolerant as we are led to believe.

Another interesting stat? 16.1% of Americans are not affiliated with any religion which strangely makes "unaffiliated" the fastest growing religion in America. Looking at stats from the Pew Forum study on Religion & Public Life (click here) opened up my eyes to how much gray area there is when it comes to religion in America. It isn't "us" v. "them". It's "us" v. "them", with about 50% "meh" in between.

For previous entries in The Contented Atheist series click here.
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Image taken from: http://instantworlddomination.com/constitution-united-states/religion-in-america-church-and-state/

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Mother F*****

Until last year I'd never really dated a woman with children. It's not like I was completely opposed to the idea, but it never really came up. I think it has something to do with being the oldest of four and having a very protective and parental streak myself. It makes me sympathize with mothers rather than looking at them as objects of my sexual desire. It's something I'm working on. After all, this is 2011 and I should be objectifying all women equally.

I'd also never tried out the whole cougar thing that was all the rage at the time either. She was 9 years older than me, is that enough of an age difference to be considered a cougar? I wasn't sure so I called her a puma. She said "like the shoe"? It was then that I realized this relationship wasn't going very far. Since I didn't end up getting a whole lot out of the relationship I figured I ought to pass on what I learned in the interest of science. Before anyone asks, no, she never knew I had a blog and won't be seeing this.

• Don't assume that older women only want casual relationships. I incorrectly thought that because I was nearly a decade younger than her that it automatically made me just a fling to her. Normally I like to get the expectations conversation out of the way relatively early but I didn't even bother this time until she introduced me to someone as "boyfriend". I'm still not entirely sure that it's possible to just have a f*** buddy, feelings always seem to creep in somewhere.
• Don't be too hard on your kids if they don't like the guy. Particularly if they're boys. If some guy that was only 10 years older than me was banging my mom we wouldn't exactly be buddy buddy either. If the guy doesn't understand that then it's probably not going anywhere anyway.
• Romance! A night out for a woman with children is much more precious than it is to a woman without. In all likelihood she called in some favors from friends to babysit and stressed over what to wear for hours because its been forever since she's been out. Appreciate it, shave, buy some flowers, go somewhere nice and don't forget the foreplay. Bring your A-Game and it'll definitely be worth the effort. Then again, if she's out every night ready to slut it up when she should be at home teaching little Timmy to read get the hell out of there.
• Don't expect the guy to do any sort of parenting at all. The last thing any guy ever wants to hear is "you ain't my daddy" or "are you my new daddy?". In fact, the first few times he meets your kids that's all he'll be thinking about.
• If you aren't ready to date a woman with kids don't date a woman with kids. It's not really that different from what you would expect it to be like.
• If the relationship ends it doesn't automatically mean that it was because of your kids. It may even turn out that in the end he liked the kids more than he liked you. Sometimes relationships just don't work out.

As a whole it was an interesting experience and I don't have any hard feelings. Like any relationship there were good times mixed with bad. For the record, NoFU is not to be held responsible if anyone actually takes any of this advice. I really just wanted to write a post on this topic with that title because it made me chuckle.

I hope my findings help to expand the scope of scientific knowledge on the topic and I am currently accepting applications from 20 year old women for an experiment in which I study the effects of dating a woman nine years younger than me. Obviously, this is purely in the interest of science.
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Image taken from: http://singleparentsource.wordpress.com/

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Toys

I've always sought out the broken ones. Sometimes for repairs, mostly for play. As a child, I thought that if I took the best parts from all of my toys I could create some sort of super toy. The arms of He-Man provide strength; Stretch Armstrong's torso adds flexibility; the legs of a Ninja Turtle for dexterity; Batman's head for brains, cunning and a cool mask; and an arsenal supplied by G.I. Joe.

Once my own personal 80's themed Frankenstein was complete it didn't really look like much. If you use a little imagination, however, you have the most kick-ass toy on the playground.

Now that I've grown up I noticed that I do the same thing with women. I'll find myself making strange lists in my head that are filled with statements like "Tina Fey's sense of humor"; "an ass like that girl from the video store"; and so on and so forth. Of course, when a person with as many eccentricities as myself gets to making a list of that sort you become aware that no one will ever really be able to check off every single box. So what can one do? Well, use a little imagination of course.

You start to attribute qualities to her that she doesn't possess. Sometimes they even help and start developing characteristics they never had before. To convince yourself that you aren't settling, you start to overlook the fact that she has no ambition and a laugh so annoying that it gives you goosebumps. It's difficult at first, but eventually it gets easier. Especially because when the lights are dimmed and she wears a push-up bra it almost does look like she has breasts like Salma Hayek. Once you've got yourself completely fooled it's nearly impossible to tell that the only thing keeping your girlfriend's head on her shoulders is a piece of electrical tape.

With any luck you'll realize that you need to stop trying to create your own perfect little transformer and start to see the person on the other side of the table for who she actually is, instead of who you want her to be. She may not be everything you once thought you wanted, but I bet your dog will never bury her leg in the back yard. You'll start using your imagination less and less and figure out what you actually need more and more. Yes, if you work hard at it, you will find that special girl that shows you how much better reality is than fiction and you'll live happily ever after. OK, well, the last part isn't exactly guaranteed. Old habits die hard I guess. Me and my imagination...
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Image taken from: http://www.he-man.org/forums/boards/showthread.php?t=154132&page=5

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Soundtrack of our Lives

Have you ever had a moment in your life when music and magic hit you at the same time? You walk into an interesting place and an interesting song is playing as you walk in and suddenly time slows down just a little bit. For a few seconds there it almost feels like you're in a Martin Scorsese movie. You can't predict moments like that. It's never on schedule but always on time.

It's usually the most random of songs too. It might be Buddy Guy, The Foo Fighters, James Brown or Pink Floyd. When that music hits you at the right point in your life it is indescribable. You just know you're in the right place at the right time and no matter what happens, the next three minutes of your life will be entirely unscripted and completely according to plan. Maybe it's all a figment of my imagination, but I don't think so. Those single, solitary moments are what make life worth it. You can hear fate before fate grabs you and tells you what it wants from you. I'll always enjoy and savor those b-sides and I hope I have many more.
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Image taken from: http://www.boston.com/ae/music/blog/2008/07/

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Angry But Honest

Sometimes I feel silly. For the most part, the world is light. If you know how to hustle, if you know how to talk to people, if you don't think you're better than everyone else... you can make it. I'm going to be honest right now. There have been a number of times when I didn't pay the gas bill, I didn't pay the electric, I didn't pay the internet and I didn't pay the cable. Bills fucking suck. Not to be racist or anything, but I have black people credit.

I reached a little bit higher. Then, shit happened. Now I have enormous debt. I know a lot of you do too. Somehow, the people around me taught me to be smarter than I can afford to be. It's really depressing to know you're better than what you're doing. You have to stay positive or take Zoloft. Our generation is supposed to save the world. It's a little fucking late, isn't it? I'm an eternal optimist. That is just how I am. Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel responsible for all the bullshit we're going through? Why? Is there any good reason?

Besides the people in my family, we need to let all the old people die. They have capital gains, medicare, social security, memories and excuses. What do we have? Generations of debt and legions of ugly, ugly old people. I will never be able to respect my elders unless I'm in the will.

In my day... In my day... In my day... In my mind, in my lifetime, our elders deserved our respect. When I really look at it, with my eyes wide open, they didn't do a fucking thing for us besides lose the Vietnam War and give us Ronald Reagan. That is the legacy our elders left us. Napalm and narcissism. The generation before them won WWII. They killed Hitler! Hitler! They saved the world and had useless fucking children. The baby boomers have never been able to carry their own weight. They couldn't live up to the standards of their parents, and now, we're supposed to carry their dead weight until we break.

I'll carry the heavy burden and only because life isn't really that bad. But, ageism is real, and it's well deserved.
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This image is taken from here: http://cesarperezjr.wordpress.com/tag/generation-y/

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Unfiltered

I think the copious amounts of marijuana I smoked in my late teens and early twenties completely destroyed my internal censor. I've always thought strange thoughts but I never really started blurting them out with regularity until then. The condition seems to be permanent. I rarely indulge anymore except for the occasional few tokes at a concert, behind a movie theater or before thanksgiving dinner (if you knew my family you'd understand why).

For the most part I keep it together at work, but during an internship in which I held talks at public schools I got into trouble for accidentally dropping the f-bomb. I don't even regularly use curse words! When I'm among friends and family it can get downright ridiculous the things I vomit out. I also never know when I'm going to burst out into a completely inappropriate Phil Collins inspired song and dance routine. I even have to keep an eye on my blog because sometimes what seems like a great idea for a post isn't as wonderful as I think it is.

For example, today's post was originally going to be about the sort of logistical problems that might arise when having sex with a conjoined twin. For example, what if, in the heat of the moment, you accidentally stick into the wrong twin? Is that considered cheating, or even rape? Or, is it like when you "accidentally" stick it into a woman's butt? You wait to see if she's into it and then if she gets mad, you apologize profusely with the hope that you can go back to Plan P. It went on like this for longer than I care to admit.

This is my life now. This is what I have to deal with because of past marijuana abuse. All because when I was younger I didn't have the courage to stand up and say "I'm not a chicken! You're a turkey!".

This Public Service Announcement was brought to you by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

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Turning the Page

The killing of Osama bin Laden couldn't have come at a better time for the world. We can now turn the page on a dark period in our history. Instead of Americans perceiving this as the face of the Muslim world:

We can look to the faces of the true heroes and freedom fighters in the Muslim world who learned that peaceful means are much more effective against tyranny than indiscriminate murder.

Let us take this opportunity to put the War on Terror behind us and form new alliances with the heroes in Libya, Egypt, Syria, Tunisia, Bahrain, Yemen and beyond who are standing up for liberty  and the right of self-determination. Let us do this even when it is in conflict with our own economic interests as a nation. The greatest weapon we have against extremism is solidarity with the oppressed. We have to not only remember the pain of these last ten years, but learn from them. If we do, we won't have to see these last ten years repeated in another thirty.

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ChrisNotes 5/1

Announcements: 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I looked at Google Reader last night and saw that I hadn't attempted to read any blogs in 15 days. Then I hit "mark all as read" and erased the last two weeks of your life. I have that power. Most bloggers apologize when they don't make the rounds and catch up with everyone's blog, not me. I say it's not me, it's you. You all really need to step up and be more interesting. Just kidding, you know I love you baby.

Pages. I added a Sponsor Me! page and a page for the ongoing story Love and Happiness so check those out if you're so inclined.

Go Look!

Since I haven't really been reading blogs I've decided to recommend something incredible that I've come across recently. I've been catching up on the TED talks lately and this one completely blew me away. This guy has figured out how to print out organs. I shit you not. He actually used an inkjet printer to make a bone. You have to check this out, it could change the world.



Random Tweet of the Week from @ntsfrmundergrnd :

 Netflix Stream Movie of the Week: Herb & Dorothy.

Herb and Dorothy Vogel are a sweet little elderly couple who are essentially hoarders. Except they don't collect newspaper clippings and McDonald's cups, they hoard art and they have quite an eye for it. Despite the fact that he worked at a post office and she was a librarian, they were able to amass an art collection valued in the millions and store it in their tiny Manhattan apartment. Everything about this story is delightful, you really owe it to yourself to watch this documentary. Click here to read my full review.

Coming Soon to NoFU: 

• The continuation of Love and Happiness
• The Contented Atheist: How many of us are there?

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