Where have you gone? There was a point in my life where I seemed to be brimming over with the stuff and now it seems that was all a fraud. Maybe it wasn't talent, maybe it was youthful egotism. Maybe it wasn't an internal sense of drive and ambition but merely delusions of grandeur from a kid with an overactive imagination.
Now I am enveloped in static clouds of frozen nonsense. I'm too young for a midlife crises, too old for youthful indecision. The drip has hit, I'm stuck. Wordplay comes and goes. Sullivan, Burnham, Nabokov, Dostoevsky... etc. The more I study the greats the less I stack up. I'm missing something.
Maybe I need something really bad to happen to me. Maybe something really good. Maybe I need to shut up and ride out this recession. Maybe I shouldn't let it be a crutch.
Tolstoy told me that the more power you have the less freedom you have. I don't feel very free. I feel constrained by my limited time and resources. I crave independence. I want to succeed or fail. Rise to great heights or go down in a blaze of debt and bankruptcy. Either would make me happy. Ambiguity rots the soul.
Sincerely,
Depleted.
Don't be too hard on yourself, Chris. Good things come to those who wait and to those that seek it out. Decide which You want to be!
ReplyDeleteCaro