To the Future Love of My Life.

My Love,

When I meet you you'll be the most alive person I've ever met. You, my love, will destroy all of my cynicisms, pretensions and intellectual egoisms with one fell swoop. When our fingers are intertwined and our lips locked there will be nothing but happiness and love enveloping our being.

It will not only be you that makes me beam happiness after our acquaintance but all that is in the world. The gruffy man at the station selling papers; the silly little girl running after her hat in the wind; the mother that curses and scolds me for being a damn fool though she's never met me, nor heard my damn fool voice; but most of all those mischevious eyes you'll look at me with for no apparant reason at all.

Sincerely,

Awe me.

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An Open Letter to the Psychotics of the Fairer Sex.

Dear Psycho-Chics,

What the fuck? Seriously. I know you represent a small minority of the women in the world but how can you be so fucking crazy and then think that doing something even crazier will fix your relationship?

If you are having a fight with your boyfriend over something stupid you don't put the car in park, jump out, and run away while your boyfriend is sitting at a stoplight next to a police car. If your boyfriend dumps your crazy ass for jumping out of the car and won't answer your calls sending a picture message of your wrist dripping blood and/or ketchup won't convince him to take your crazy ass back.

If you call him and say that you'll slit your throat if he doesn't come see you and then he doesn't show up it isn't because he doesn't care about you it is because you don't give a shit about him. If you did you wouldn't put him through that hell.

There is no hormonal excuse for this sort of behavior. You are just fucking crazy. Put down that broken piece of mirror you just cut your wrist with and look in it. Something is severely wrong with you. No man will ever fix that insecurity or insanity you have inside you. Seek help, please.

Sincerely,

Single Again.

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